MLC newbie- new thread

[Rita]

Believe -- can you forgive him if he leaves, breaks up her marriage and yours, has incredibly fun days with her and posts on FB that he is in love for the first time until the anger and sorrow of his kids starts to eat at him and then he remembers good things about you and notices you are living a great life without him and then faces his solitude and his inner wounds and slowly wakes up and wants to come back?

That's what standing is. It's not keeping him from leaving.

To me you are doing way too much monitoring, talking to him, telling him how you feel, etc. IT WON'T WORK. It feels like chasing to him. (It even feels like chasing to me, and I totally get what you feel!)

Read my story if you have time. You will see how poorly that approach worked.

They do come back, many of them. But not because you tried so hard to make things clear. Only because they tried what they thought would fix the problem and realize it didn't fix it and slowly remember you and how great you were.

He can't hear or see you right now. He doesn't care if he hurts you. Let go of all rational attempts to show him the truth. He doesn't hear you. He doesn't take his vows seriously.

BUT -- You are so amazingly great that he will most likely remember one day. If he gets through his MLC, he will try to come back. Your stand will mean that you say yes at that point, not that you prevent the disgusting behavior he is about to undertake.

Drop the rope! If you find a receipt, leave it in his desk or burn it in the hottest fire of h$ll, don't talk to him about it! Talk to God about it only! BE BUSY ALL THE TIME! Not to be manipulative but to find yourself. Tell yourself he has one year to leave and come back, or two or ten, whatever you want. And until then, consider him gone. Don't talk to him about his plans. He knows you don't want to divorce. Here's an example:

He said he's sorry too. That we are going through this. That's when he said he's been trying, but he isn't love me and isn't passionate about me and wants out of the marriage. He said he wants to get an apartment. That he feels like he needs to be alone and it's not because of her. He felt peaceful when he went away and didn't have to worry about anyone but himself. He said he'd miss the kids but they are getting older and they will get over it.


Instead of what you wrote try -- I listened and kept eye contact while he spoke. I didn't reveal how much my heart was hurting. I just listened. (Afterwards I took a drive and screamed and cried but he never knew.) When he was done talking, I said very firmly and without malice, just stating the facts, "I hear that you want to leave and that you are finding an apartment. I don't agree that the kids will get over it. That is a lie you are telling yourself. You need to find that out for yourself, and we'll be here if you ever change your mind. I really need to cook dinner now but just let me know any practical stuff you need and otherwise we don't need to discuss it further."

Then get up and cheerfully go about your business, or take a drive and scream if you need to. Be busy for the rest of the time, offer him some dinner if you are making it and if you can be polite. LET HIM GO. And then go and protect everything you can of your finances. Take out half of everything and put it in your own accounts. Seriously.

Your best shot at him coming back is him leaving. It is a searing pain like fire, but you will have so much more peace not having to interact with him or find his receipts or notice her car's location. He has to go through the whole process of acting on his plan and letting it crash and burn. Might take a couple years or more. That's your choice to stand or not!

And remember -- OW is not a good person. She is on the WRONG path and is willing to destroy the lives of you and your kids to have what she wants. It will also never succeed. The OW of my life is the same.

What she does is not going to change anything about you or your marriage. She is a tool for his MLC, and even if he leaves you, sets up a life with her, etc., it will not mean anything about you and it will not last. It really almost never lasts. Most MLCer's here who do that end up doing that many times over. Would you accept wind chimes from a married man? Or rely on him when you are grieving your parent's death?

Just try to remember that when you feel jealous or confused about her. Whenever you want to think about her, force yourself to say, "NO I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT HER!" even if you have to say that two thousand times a day or say a prayer that she will go to the man God intended for her. God knows already that the man he intends for her is not your H!