And then it was over.

[BlueSea]

Thank you Sage and May22

- I really appreciate all the advice.

I bought MWD book "healing from infidelity" and found it very helpful. There is no hope in working on this marriage while there is a full PA/EA going on, but per MWD this is a waiting game --- 'give him the space and time to figure out his emotions and do the right thing' --- and during this time, work on myself. And there is a lot of work I need to do in this area. For one, just basically figuring out who I really am, I mean, I always have structured myself around 'what do the kids need? what needs to get done? how can I be of service?' and have lost who I am, honestly.
On the call with the DB counselor, he asked, what do YOU want to do with this time? what is your bucket list?....and I was stumped. I have no ideas. He literally pushed me til I was crying I need to do alot of introspection. Who is Misty?

The discussion with H
I pretty much told him that I would prefer he would stay while he figures things out, but I understand I can not make him stay. And that I know what this means (ie, he will be leaving at night). I can't stop him anyway. I asked him to be discreet for the kids sake.

The rest quickly went downhill and was entirely anti DB protocol - as I gave in to emotion quickly. I asked him if they were using the word love - he said no - but the hesitation I heard - meant yes. From MWDs book, this will take time to fizzle out, but I know it will. I did ask that they do not speak about me or our kids - that their relationship had to stand on its own - no 'advice' from a OW that was in a broken marriage herself (though I think she left her husband since February).

Also, I told H that I would not have any R talks with him for 2 weeks - but that I needed to hear that things were not going to change in those next 2 weeks - I need to eat and get some sleep and return to the land of the living. He was getting peeved. And did agree to that. (for what little his word is worth at this stage). I asked another q about the state of their relationship, I told him that I ruminate and torture myself and if I had to go 2 weeks without an R talk, I had to know more so I could step off. He was getting peeved and I knew I was doing more harm than good, so I told him that, and he backed off a bit. He told me he understood that - he told me that I had the advantage, he was in the house, I was the mother to his kids, that I was the 'incumbent' - she might have him for a few hours - but I had him the rest of the time.

VENT:
Those last comments, the incumbent comment, made me feel better, and I thanked him for it. I am so far from detached - this guy owns me, one look, one word - changes everything. PLEASE HELP! I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW YOU ALL DID THE DETACHING . I seriously can not GAL right now in quarantine. I am struggling on how to detach. How do you stop loving someone that you want back so badly?

I am going to resolve to figuring out how to detach like you all did - go thru the threads for info - and follow strict DB'ing for the next 2 weeks and focus on me. Figure out where I lost myself along the way.

If you are still reading or following, thank you - any comments that could bring clarity on how to detach would be so helpful. Steve and LH, I bet you have given up on me and I understand that. I am going upstream - betting it all that I am the one in a million that makes it - this way.