MLC newbie- new thread

[Believe6]

Gosh has it been a month since I posted? I have been lingering on a FB group and been really overwhelmed with me. It's not that my H has been monstering. He's too calm, rational and conflict avoidant for that.

But he told me on Monday, May18, that he wanted to leave and find an apartment. So let me back up. For the past 3 months, he's been telling me he hasn't contacted her at all. I know in my gut he's lying again and he has. Why would he do a complete 180 from trying to work things out to all of a sudden, no affection, not talking and rewriting our marital history? So I know he's back in replay.

Anyway, right after mother's day, I was doing laundry and I found the receipt for homedepot in his pocket as I was going to put the clothes in the hamper (we always check pockets). He got plants for me, his sister and his mom. The same plants mind you. So nothing special for the mother of his kids. Well, except a box of chocolates (but he got the same one for his sis/mom to share).

On the receipt, I see a "windy wings windchime." But he never gave me the windchime. I would have loved that. It was only $15. I asked him about it. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I asked. He told me he never bought one and that he was going to get a refund.

So later that morning, he disappears while I am out for my neighborhood walk. I call him because he didn't say he was going anywhere and we at least do that for each other. He tells me he is getting a refund. I wonder at this point if he got the windchime back from her to get the refund or what. Or maybe he still had it and was going to give it to her later and he found a way to hide it somewhere. He gets the refund, but I don't even ask him about it. I have learned to not pester him if he seems closed off.

He was going away from Tuesday, May 12 at night, through Friday. Just locally supposedly to "think about what he wants," to hike and take pictures, and just de-stress. I already have suspicions that he is going to have her join him. She has a pretty flexible job and can most likely pretend she is going to meet up with a client. I do smart contact and don't reach out. I do send text to our family group chain saying good morning and good night to the kiddos and he's on there so I am hoping he at least feels connected. And we did text a couple of times just to check in, but no relationship talk or anything. Just how are things. He is short in his replies, which is fine.

When he gets back, we have a decent weekend. He doesn't really monster. He's a runner so he's been hiding out. He tells me he didn't get his paper done or do his homework so now he's behind. I don't get it. That's one of the things he says he would stay on top of. So he spends a lot of time in his office. We do get time with D15 and S17, so at least we had that.

But on Monday, May 18, that's when i was going shopping for groceries and I saw a reciept in the side pocket of the car.
I had cleaned the car so I picked it up and saw that he bought windchimes at Lowe's instead on that Friday. I then just asked to talk to him and told him I found it. I was so calm. I have learned to work on myself, really detach and be a lighthouse.

So I just told him I know he bought them for her and asked if he had been in contact. He said he had. He gave her the windchime by going to her branch. They didn't have time alone (not sure I believe that). He said he only started emailing her a week prior (I don't believe this). I asked him why. He said because it is her first mother's day without her mom and he knows it will be hard and he wanted to get something for her.

I told him I know he misses her and I'm so sorry he is going through this. He said he's sorry too. That we are going through this. That's when he said he's been trying, but he isn't love me and isn't passionate about me and wants out of the marriage. He said he wants to get an apartment. That he feels like he needs to be alone and it's not because of her. He felt peaceful when he went away and didn't have to worry about anyone but himself. He said he'd miss the kids but they are getting older and they will get over it.

I told him how much apartments, even studio apartments, cost in our area. And with me still looking for work, I told him it would be tough. He looked like a trapped animal. I think he was promising her something. She's still with her spouse as I see her car there regularly. I don't really know if she is intending the same thing he is and really it doesn't matter. It's what he intends.

We ended the conversation with me telling him I don't want a divorce or for him to move out, but I can't stop him and I will accept what he decides to do. I tell him I do think this will affect the kids, but we'll get through it.

Oddly for the past week and a half, he hasn't brought it up again. I won't be pushing him on any relationship talk so I don't ask. I figure he's on his own journey and I don't want him to move out or for a divorce so I just won't talk about it.

His birthday was on Tuesday and we had 2 days over the holiday weekend that we did small social distancing gatherings. We pretended that everything was normal (except that we would have had a big party but Covid changed that).

When we were talking on that Monday, I did ask him if he can really see life without me or how it would be for our large group of family and friends. We get together often -- travel, celebrating birthdays and life. He says it will be different anyway because he can tell people are awkward. But that's not true. They may be upset with him inside, but in our group setting, they treat him like normal. And he acts like normal.

I just don't know if he'll wake up quicker if he was out and he wasn't coming to group events? I have heard recommendations to keep them home as long as you can stand how they act. It helps with bonding and healing. I don't know for sure. But for now, it's day by day.

I am grateful he isn't monstering- besides knowing that he continues to re-write our marital history. He won't tell me to my face what he thinks of me. I think he's afraid if he tells me what he is angry about, he'll realize it's totally fixable and that I have already fixed it now anyway.

I know my focus needs to be on my journey and my kids. I am doing better every day working on that for me and my kids. I just need a job now to focus on. I need something that uses my skills and allows me to feel like I have value beyond being a mom and wife... especially since my H acts like I suck at the latter.

I pray for him. I pray for me. I pray for all of us in hurting marriages whether for MLC or any other reason. It's so hard when the one person you were supposed to be able to count on becomes the one person who is destroying your world (and theirs). But it can be remade. Just differently... and I pray... better.

Blessings