You are so strong and good at not having expectations... but I've been thinking maybe you do have expectations, just expectations in the other direction, that you still think he's going to walk? I wonder if that is a self-protection mechanism for you, and he keeps throwing you off by these behaviors in the other direction, leaning in instead of out. What would it take for you to let go of that set of expectations too, believing that he's still leaving?
Honestly yes I do still think he's going to walk. I do still think he's on the fence here. I think there's a much larger chance of him packing his sh** and going in July than there is of him returning to the MBR. I don't know that me and our MR is worth the work it'll take to stay. I think the good behavior throws me off more because it means I have to accept it for what it is with out having any idea what the intent behind it is. Are you doing this so you get your friends after D fantasy? Are you doing this because being here during the pandemic serves you? Are you doing this because you're actually trying? Everything he does my brain is immediately asking those questions. It doesn't matter if I can shut them down quickly. They are there and they are asked every time he so much as smiles at me and says thank you.
I don't know what it would take for me to stop believing he's going to leave. I have abandonment issues that I'm still working through from childhood so it would probably have to be a lot. A lot of reassurance. A lot of doing work. A lot of letting me be needy and him being ok with that. And me being ok with that. Honestly I really need to hear him say he wants to try. He spent so much time in the last 6 months telling me he doesn't know the point of trying, and that there's nothing here for him to bother trying for, I think I need that. I need him to tell me he sees value here and he wants to try.
