Do you think he wants to come back but because you're not putting pressure on him about the MR, about moving back to the MBR, you're not pushing him or punishing him over the A, he's not sure what YOU want, and that he doesnt want to make assumptions that you actually want to celebrate the anniversary? Maybe he's scared of jumping back in with both feet because you're not demonstrating that you're in with both feet?
Honestly, my initial thoughts were that he was an idiot, but I'm wondering now if he's apprehensive. Has he shown any remorse over his A? Would he come to you if he wants a R talk? Would he initiate it do you think? I'm just wondering if it's in his personality to have those kinds of talks, that he might want to come back but knows he's been an idiot and doesnt know how to come back. He acknowledged the anniversary - that's a positive; how he acknowledged it could be interpreted as him holding back through fear of being rejected (like he was by AP)?
I think him not wanting to make any assumptions on how I wanted to handle the day was exactly what was happening. He was trying to gauge how I wanted to acknowledge it. But H not being the most poetic it came out more pointed in that text than intended. That being said you were probably closer to the mark with idiot than with apprehensive, but I'm sure he's a little of both.
He is remorseful for the affair but not in the way I'd like to see yet. And I know I can't hold him to my expectations but he's still in a lot of denial about how far reaching this was, or how deeply it effected our girls. He's sorry he hurt me, but that doesn't mean he's sorry about the choices he made. He's sorry he did the things he did because I "didn't deserve that," but doesn't really understand or has really dug into why he did them. He's sorry he said the things he said , that apology was one of the first ones I got and the one that mattered the most to me. But I don't know the depth and breadth of that remorse because I don't ask. And honestly I don't really care that much. I care more about him being understanding and remorseful about how traumatic this was for our kids. I'm more concerned about him understanding himself better to get why he/we got here. I'm more concerned about him dropping this narrative that I made our MR incredible difficult, that I'm incredibly difficult. And that the good times can't ever out weigh the bad. I'm not perfect but you can't say I didn't deserve to be treated that way and then back pedal into well I may have set the house on fire but you know you stained the carpet and broke a window. That thought process is what I really need to see change. I'm not entirely sorry he had the A. And since he's not as introspective as most it could take years for him to get to a place where he is truly, truly remorseful for everything he did, and how it happened, and why. I just don't have the expectation of his re-commitment hinging on him being 100% remorseful here.
He would initiate an R talk. I only ever initiated R talks when I thought we were in a committed and loving relationship. And when the affair started because I was under the impression I was in a committed and loving relationship. I wouldn't even bring up where "we" were going in the early part of our relationship. That was on him. I was going to keep one foot out the door until I was told otherwise. However you might be on to something with the fear of rejection thing. I know he doesn't handle rejection well. He's a people pleaser. That may be something I need to give some more thought.
