And then it was over.

[may22]

May22
I read part of your thread, looks like your H made the decision to end the A - mine is still in full EA/PA while living with me - and I am coming to terms with that. He "says" he has no love for the OW. And has no plans for a relationship with her. He could be lying, I don't know. He is seeing her while staying here - all the while telling me that he can compartmentalize and stay in this marriage. I am going to talk to the DB counselor tomorrow morning, who also told me before to just let it ride.I see you put a timeline on it, 6 weeks right? Do you think I should put a time limit on this situation?

Well, my H had a 2 plus year full on PA while living with me. I just didn't know about it the whole time. She lives on the other side of the country, so he didn't see her very much-- average every other month, probably-- but it was very intense. He only made the decision to end the A after it was all out on the table. He also "tried" to end the A (before I knew about it) many times during the entire second year. He also told me about being good at compartmentalizing and that he just had an "emotional connection" to her but that he didn't think he'd end up with her if we Ded... it wasn't until the very end I found out just how deep he was in.

I don't know that I'd put a timeline on it unless you are really ready to walk at the end of it. I was. It was related to the fact that he was going to travel to her city 6 weeks after he confessed the full extent of the A and I knew I couldn't handle him being in her city without some resolution. You might have a timeline in your head for how long you can deal with your current situation, but I wouldn't force it. You need to figure out what YOU need in order to cope and heal and be sane. I think that is the most important part of this entire process-- removing the focus from him and what you might do or not do in order to get him to do something (or not)-- do what you need to do for YOURSELF without giving a $hit about what it may or may not cause him to do. It isn't about him anymore. He has checked out. It is about you now, and your kids. What is best and healthiest for you at this point?

Also you said "so don't try" --- what does this mean? Am I SOL until the A is over?

Have you read about the ping-pong analogy? That you and the AP are playing a game of ping-pong and it won't end until one of you drops the paddle? I mean, be the one to drop the paddle.

I just met with a divorce lawyer this morning - I too need to get my financial information in order - I will need his help with that so maybe this is a right time to approach H on that matter? - which also lets him know I am moving in a different direction as well

I'd do it on your own. If he notices you doing it or you really need his help with something, ask him specific questions to get the answers you need. But don't, I repeat do not, use this as a means to try to get him to see the light. He will see right through that, and/or he'll respond in a way that will hurt. Do it only to get the information you need to make good decisions for yourself and the kids.

I had really resisted him leaving-- that was my big boundary that I felt I'd never be able to forgive him for if he crossed

This is exactly how I feel!! if he does leave, then that abandonment would set me over the edge for sure.

I know that May (and others) have had a different experience with S and H leaving the home. I was scared to death of H leaving. It felt like just one more step towards the end of our M. But 6 weeks in to our S and I can say that it wasn’t the worst thing to have happened. I was a shell of a human those last few months living under the same roof, dealing with the minute-to-minute rejection, stonewalling and hurtful words. It was AGONY. And although the agony isn’t completely gone, the breathing room has allowed me to finally get closer to detaching. I am slowly reclaiming my value.

I think Sage has a really good point here. For me, the day-to-day with my H was actually very positive, I think partially because at that point I'd been DB-ing for eight months, he'd been in IC for a year, and between those two things we'd dealt with most of day-to-day issues. We were getting along quite well. I know that isn't the case for most people. If I'd found out about the A earlier on, when we were fighting all the time and I could feel the resentment and anger pouring off of him in waves, I think we would have S and that would have been the best thing for me. It just didn't happen in that order for me.

Also, it wasn't until I mentally did let him go that he chose to leave his AP and come back. I also made it very clear that if he walked out the door, he was never coming back. And I meant that 100%. That was my boundary and if he walked, we were done. That might not be your boundary. I could deal with him living at home while in an EA and then in a PA, though not for all that long, and I know that would have crossed the line for a lot of people. I think if you can, try to take the focus off of him and what he's doing, stop worrying about how what you do might affect him, and really focus on yourself. Feel your feelings and name them. Try to get a hold of what is going on for you and what you can deal with and what you absolutely can't... and then draw your line. I can't emphasize enough, though, that your line has to be authentic. It can't be an empty threat. It has to be your actual boundary that you've thought through and are willing to enforce in order to protect yourself. If you aren't there yet, that is OK. you'll get there. Just take the time you have now to focus on yourself, forgive yourself, and think about how to protect yourself.

This is good to know, overwhelmingly the advice here has been to boot him out - I will look for the infidelity book, or is it in the DB book?

it's called Healing From Infidelity.

I resent doing his laundry, so that is out. And having him walk out on me during the week, is for sure going to stir resentment, so I imagine things dropping off my list of to-do's for him.

great! Only do what feels right to you. you might need to pause and examine your motives when you find yourself starting to do different things. Try to avoid doing things in order to elicit any certain response from him.

I do not disagree that this is the more painful route - to have this happen all right in front of you. I will check out Wayfinders thread to understand more of what I am getting into. Thank you for that suggestion. I am entering this with much trepidation. I know I can not ask him to leave, so I really have not left myself with much choice.

This was my choice too. I fully accepted the knowledge that this path would be harder on me because it had the possibility of being easier on the kids.

You might also spend some time really getting comfortable with the idea of what D might be like

No can do, I get anxiety attacks just thinking about that. I am not ready for that. Call it avoidance, I don't know - but I can not wrap my head around that processing.

If I were you I'd just keep dipping my toes in the water. Knowledge is power. Pretend you're reading about it for a friend or something. I can't emphasize enough how much better I felt once I realized I'd be OK no matter what happened with H.

May22 - can I ask? How did you move from 'he could not see you in an intimate way again? I read in your thread that you made that transition but how? My H also said he did not see me 'that' way anymore and does not touch me (I am attractive & thin) but he just won't - will go out of his way not to. What is going on in his mind? is he bizarrely being faithful to the OW? how can I get him to see me differently? I don't want to be in the friend zone.

I want to be very very clear that there is no magic wand to make your H see you in an intimate way again. In my case it has taken a very very long time and I would say we aren't even close to the finish line on this one yet. We had an SSM (I was the low desire partner) basically since having children and it was a primary factor in all of this. Over a year ago I came to the realization (things were going poorly between us but this was before I found out about the A) that i didn't want to be that person anymore, and I made a commitment to MYSELF, for myself, to change. It really had nothing to do with him. He knew about this of course because I talked to him about it, and we had sex a few times but he always felt very guilty and awful about it, I think honestly because he felt like he was being unfaithful to AP, plus guilty about me not knowing, etc. He spent months saying he could never even imagine having sex with me again, etc. Then the night he told me about the full extent of his A we ended up sleeping together.

you might read Esther Perel's books-- they helped me a lot too. She talks about distance being necessary for desire to flourish and wanting what you can't have. I do think there is something to my H turning the corner right when I finally dropped the rope and was ready to walk. I think that it all boils down to the same advice-- focus on yourself, detach, GAL. He may come back or he may not-- but you need to get yourself in a place where you know you'll be OK no matter what.

I know this is so hard. I remember reading posters on my threads saying DETACH and I was so frustrated. It is soooo much easier said than done. But you can do this! ((HUGS))