Pommy, I totally get what you're feeling. Even now I still sometimes almost backtrack and think that what I'm doing is wrong. When I feel like I'm not doing the right thing, I trace back my steps since BD and would eventually come to the same conclusion - there is no other way (for me).
For example, as my H and I are moving closer to D, I was questioning whether I have done everything I could for our M up to this point. "Am I giving up too quickly? Do I need to fight him tooth and nail for our M? Am I acquiescing to the state of our M?" Then I remembered that few months ago when I was still showing warmth and care, when we still had some level of intimacy, that I was not happy. Like wayfarer said, I knew I could not do it. I could not pretend that everything is fine and dandy and even accept his desire of intimacy when I knew he was nowhere close to coming back. I had to set a boundary, and once I did, my H denied the facts and was gastlighting me.
I don't know whether what I'm doing will lead to R. So far it seems very unlikely. But I know the other way around - me being emotionally and physically available to him when he is still on his alien planet - will eat me alive.
