WAW after 15 years

[Core]

My W of almost 16 years decided last month that the issues she has addressed for the past years with my lack of emotional support have weighed on her so much that we should be separated.

Sorry you are here Bismarck. You're in the hardest part right now. Mind can be all over the place. What went wrong, whats wrong with me, whats wrong with her. You'll have those moments...get through them as quick as you can then continue DBing. I've had difficulty since the beginning in my sitch. Some pointers/comments to hopefully help you avoid the same troubles. As to the above comment, if that was a concern she brought up several times during the M than there may be truth to it. It's nothing you can fix immediately however. As others mentioned, read up on validation. When W reaches out to you, then you can use the new skill. Dont pursue her to show her what you've learned.

That night she moved out to her house and has been gone for almost a month and a half now. Approximately one week after she left she decided that "she did not want to be married to me anymore."

That's how she feels at the time she said it. She also one time agreed to marry you. Feelings can change.

Needless to say, I am trying to work through all of these issues, but I am having a hard time coming to terms with her reason for the BD. I personally think that her leaving was probably the best thing that could have ever happened to our M, but she has not allowed any time for the S to work. She told me that she has tried everything in the past 15 years to get me to be more emotionally connected to her and none of it has worked. So her stance is that anything that I do now is it's too little, too late. She has completely checked out of our M and she does not want to put any effort into the R.

Unfortunately these words as so common, its like they all read a script. She's checked out because she's currently checked in elsewhere.

I got the DB book about three weeks into the S and have tried to implement the LRT. Unfortunately, I have backslid a few times and am having trouble letting go. I have begged and pleaded for her to reconsider her decision and I've hoped that making her see what this is doing to our D13, would make her change her mind. I've even told her that I don't want her to change her mind right now, I just want her to allow the time and hopefully, counseling in the future may give her the opportunity to change her mind. She told me as recently as last weekend that she has made up her mind and that she will never change her decision.

Dont beat yourself up, weve all done it with the early pursuit. You made the mistake, now change and avoid it again. One mistake won't seal the deal. Definitely refrain from mentioning D13 in convincing her to work on things. WW can rationalize anything and can make themselves believe D is best for the kid. Itll also add to her guilt and shame which will be directed at you as resentment. In her mind, you caused all this.

Unfortunately over this last weekend, I found evidence that she's been having an EA for several months now. I believe that this has been a major catalyst for her decision to leave and BD. I confronted her and our "friend" about the EA and asked them to stop the EA. He said that he would, but the only thing that she said to me is that she would not stop being his friend. I have no faith that the EA has stopped, but I am hoping that it has.

Sorry man, bro hug. It could be the main reason, or a symptom. We dont know, she may not even know. The reason for the "poor emotional connection" however is that she was being pulled in two directions and was getting her emotional meeds met elsewhere. This part hurts. You will get through it.

So right now, we've had some very difficult discussions about the R and I've brought it up more than I should have. I 've allowed my emotions to take control of my actions and I have not been putting my best foot forward.

Stop initiating R talks now that you know, and spice up that validation for when she initiates one. Find out what you need to do to get your best foot forward. Post here for support, tips or to get a kick in the A.

She is a very stubborn and is resolute that her decision is final and she will never change her mind. We have talked recently and both of us have agreed that we both want to work on our friendship and that she is willing to go to counseling, but only so that we can move toward an amicable D. I don't want a D and am struggling every day with the loss in my life. Every day gets a little better, but this is the worst emotional roller coaster that I have ever been on. Leni tells me there is hope, but it's really hard to see when the W is so certain that her decision is the right one.

Stay on good terms with W for D13 however only settle for friends if thats what you want. Most here would agree that MC is not worth it at this point of your sitch. I agree in most cases. One exception is if your communication is horrible and you need to get on decent terms for D13s sake. This isn't a fun rollercoaster. You will grow from this if you stick to it. Become a bettee Bizmark for your next relationship whether its with W or someone else. Let go of control as best you can and do your best to acknowledge that you didnt break your W and you can't fix her.