We just did the best we could when I think we were both feeling pretty sh** about the whole day. It wasn't what I wanted in any iteration of what I thought it should be. But it was exactly what I needed. Him doing his best to be kind and thoughtful. And me just letting go and letting god instead of trying to bend the universe to my will.
Hey... I know it was tough. Weird so many of us have anniversaries around now! I think it is wonderful that your definition of your wedding day expanded to be more about just you and him but about all your friends and family that love you and shared in that day with you, and took the time to let you know you are loved.
I actually see lots of positives in what ended up happening. He reached out and let you know he was feeling weird about the day... of course he was, as were you. I know it threw you for a loop but it was honest and open and better than doing what you had assumed he would, which is pretend it wasn't happening. He made a real effort to make it a nice night and be together with where you both are right now.
You are so strong and good at not having expectations... but I've been thinking maybe you do have expectations, just expectations in the other direction, that you still think he's going to walk? I wonder if that is a self-protection mechanism for you, and he keeps throwing you off by these behaviors in the other direction, leaning in instead of out. What would it take for you to let go of that set of expectations too, believing that he's still leaving?
HUGS.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
