And then it was over.

[may22]

What I am most confused about, out of that conversation, is that he says he just sees us as good friends, that's all..nothing more. That he just does not have 'those' feelings for me anymore.

I don't get it. Isn't being 'good friends' after 23 years a good thing? I have nothing for rebuttal when he says this. Am I off the mark? if so, please tell me. Otherwise is he just making excuses - with nothing else to say?

Hi Misty,

I'm so sorry you're here and going through this. I just wanted to pipe in with a couple of thoughts:

-- my H gave me word-for-word some of the same things you're getting, no emotional connection, can never get that back, blah blah blah, even though he still saw me as his best friend. He said the same thing about me fighting for my "life" and that he was being open to possibilities by not leaving. They are following the same script. Your H is stuck in the limerence/fantasy of his A and no real-life relationship can ever compete. So don't try.

-- the thing that struck me in your last question is "I have nothing for rebuttal when he says this"... you shouldn't be arguing with him, trying to convince him, or rebutting his statements. That is not DB-ing. Validate him (or even better, just avoid the conversation altogether). When he is saying these things that sound so crazy, this is really how he feels at the moment. When you argue against him, you're just showing that you don't really get it. This was a really, really hard thing for me to get through my skull. My H somehow, weirdly, REALLY needed me to understand how he felt for his AP vs how he felt for me. I probably ended up getting more of it than I needed to because I did spend a lot of time, especially earlier on, getting drawn into R talks where I argued exactly your point, plus the kids and we had this before, we can get it back, isn't it worthwhile to try, etc. etc. None of this got through. He just isn't in a place to hear it. I would try to stop those conversations generally and if you get drawn into one, practice some stock validation or delay phrases to avoid telling him how you feel right now.

-- in terms of kicking him out, you might be interested in reading through my thread when I was in the same situation (though my H's AP was long-distance, so he couldn't have actually ran to her physically but she was definitely there for him emotionally, wanted to have his baby, all of that. BLECH.) I had really resisted him leaving-- that was my big boundary that I felt I'd never be able to forgive him for if he crossed--and it wasn't until I found out he had been in a 2-year long PA (previously had thought much shorter and EA only) that I told him to get out and meant it. In my case, he actually refused, although he'd been saying for months he wanted to MO. Then when I opened the door he refused to go (and legally I found out I couldn't make him). I also started researching D, getting all our financial information together, etc. In my case,I do think that was a really important part of what has ended up happening-- him seeing I was really ready to move on with my life without him. I think that is a critical step in DBing with one major caveat-- if and only if you're really there and can back up what you're saying. Don't threaten to kick him out if you don't mean it. You might re-read the LRT section of DR. Find your boundary and where you draw the line, communicate that to him, and then stick to it. Don't tell him he needs to MO and then backtrack if he actually starts down that path-- that is just teaching him he can do whatever he wants without consequence. But if you're really through with him sneaking out to sleep with AP, I think you should tell him to go.

--if you decide you can live with what he's doing, MWD does say you can leave it, but really focus on yourself, GALing, and do not ask him about it or talk about the R at all. There is a chapter in her infidelity book about this that was helpful for me. You might also read Wayfinder's thread, who has basically taken this path-- decided it wasn't in the best interest of her girls to boot him out and therefore did not. I think this path is not for the faint of heart. You really, really need to be able to detach emotionally and focus on yourself if you do this, and I think it is very difficult for most people. But if you can, MWD does have a path for sticking it out this way. The rules are not that dissimilar, but you get zero breaks because you have to be DBing all the time with your H right in your face. I think this is why most vets don't recommend this path. I kind of took this path when he refused to MO--I know I could have forced him out if I really wanted to (I could have thrown all his stuff on the front lawn, for instance) and I didn't. I did set a deadline, basically six weeks from when I found out about the PA he was going to see her in person and I needed a decision one way or the other by then. I don't believe I could have gone much longer than that without breaking. It was very, very difficult and I completely empathize with what you're going through.

--Finally... if he doesn't leave, i would definitely stop the coffee making, special vegetarian meal cooking, etc behavior. Why, oh why, would you do that for a cheating a-hole of a husband? Someone on this board said to me when I was in a similar place to you that really stuck with me -- your H is NOT being a friend right now. Why are you saying you're still best friends? Friends don't lie to you. They also don't scream in your face until you are shaking and crying and walk out the door when you aren't up to making them coffee one time. Put yourself in his shoes-- what are you teaching him? I would really work on drawing the line for what you will and will not tolerate if he is going to be living in your house for now, and then if he does start something that crosses the line like yelling at you, stop the conversation and walk away. (Maybe he isn't doing that anymore-- I think I got that from the beginning of your thread-- but generally I would refrain from doing nice wife-like things for him. He isn't being your H right now, so don't treat him like one.)

Hang in there. I know it is excruciating. It DOES get better, one way or the other. You might also spend some time really getting comfortable with the idea of what D might be like, and read some of the threads on here of folks who split up and are happier than they've ever been. You didn't ask for this, you don't deserve it, but it is happening and now it is up to you to decide how you want to handle it.