I agree with WF-- your H absolutely knows where you stand on all of this. You don't need to push the emotionally/physically available side right now because you don't need to be emotionally and physically available to an H who has walked out the door! That just seems wrong and inappropriate. He's being an incredibly self-centered a-hole and if he wonders why you aren't emotionally available to him and brings it up, to me it all boils down to-- he left. He walked. He chose this. He said he wanted time and space and you are giving it to him, exactly as he has asked.
One kind of harsh analogy I've seen the vets posting is about you being "fired" as a wife, and to stop doing any wifely things because you've been fired. That if you were fired from a job, you wouldn't keep trying to do the job better and better in front of the boss who fired you in the hopes that the boss would see you are doing better and maybe would want to hire you back. I always had a hard time connecting to that analogy, but I think there is some truth in there. Maybe, if it helps, you can think about your sitch through that lens?
In terms of worrying that you're reinforcing the belief that you're still this cold, uncaring person he thinks you are from the issues in the M... I had this, 100% too. However, this is something my H had built up in his head for YEARS and I think it will take years to undo. He's still angry that it happened and even somewhat angry that I've changed, because it makes his behavior feel worse-- and of course that is an uncomfortable place to be. By definition, these WHs don't have the emotional maturity to really handle any of this, because if they did they wouldn't be behaving the way they are. I think there is a lot of cognitive dissonance going on for our Hs and they HAVE to feel that you can't change in order to justify their own actions. I honestly don't think you could do anything that would convince him of your change until he's ready to see it. He'll just think you're luring him back and as soon as he's firmly back in his corral, it's back to the same old same old for the rest of his life. He'll see what he wants to see, at least where he is right now.
On the push-pull dynamic- first, again, YOU aren't the one driving the putting it out there, taking it away, etc. He is the one who decided to leave. He doesn't get to have you waiting at home, frisky in bed, taking care of his children and home and medications and emotionally supporting him through trying to decide if he wants a divorce. Sorry!!
I can also absolutely relate to feeling like the pursuer-distancer dynamic is a bit of a game. I remember so clearly the first time it came out clearly in my sitch, when I started to work on the D scenario and my H flipped out and started saying hey, let's not go so fast, you know there's a scenario here where the children never really need to know this happened, etc. I was like OH! This is what they're talking about! But again, I think you have to kind of ruthlessly put down those random thoughts that want to draw you back in to being the pursuer again. You know that doesn't work. Think of it like tough love for both of you-- that might help with not feeling cold or uncaring. You're doing what is right for both of you in this situation. He's asked for space. You are giving it to him. He'll never know what it is like to have space if you don't let him have it.
I still think that the best thing for you to do is to stick to what is working-- maintaining the distance while you focus on yourself. That is both best for you no matter what happens, and also happens to be very effective with your H, as long as you can be consistent.
Stay strong for yourself and your kids. This is probably going to get worse before it gets better, but you're doing the best you can for yourself and your children. You can't beat yourself up over things that happened in the past (like the SSM) or try to over-compensate for it now. The time for that has passed. (My H said something along those lines in our last R talk, even though we've been sleeping together again since January. Again. A marathon not a sprint.)
Hang in there, Pommy. Have you filled the birdseed up yourself yet??
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
