I am still struggling with the business like/treat him like a neigbour approach. As Sage (I think) wrote on her thread, when you know that you've been emotionally/physically unavailable in your marrige, continuing to act that way surely just reinfoces their belief that that is who you are and you will never change. I've spent a year trying to be both emotionally and physically available and now I feel like I'm withdrawing it again. So how can he ever trust that I am that kind and compassionate person that he married, when I put it out there, then take it away, put it out there, take it away, etc?
I’m with you, sister. Struggling with the same internal battles. I know that each person here is working on right-siding their R’s, but the balance of DBing with a spouse that has felt neglected for a long time is particularly challenging. I definitely feel like I am damned if I do, damned if I don’t. It’s a huge amount of pressure.
But all the voices on your thread are correct: if he wants to be in a M with you, he knows where to find you. Your job right now is to be the best you can be for YOU, not him. Everything else has failed to bring the results you want and need. My dad used to remind me that the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. What haven’t you tried yet?
I am working really hard on ‘dropping the rope’, which feels like the least harmful approach I can take right now. It allows me to be authentic to myself, feel all the feelings, and be my kind, open self, but no longer be attached to what’s going on at the end of the rope. It also feels like the best way I can not mess it all up with the push-pull of emotional presence vs absence (which can start to feel like a game as it’s not really my authentic self). It’s up to him to pick it up that rope and then it will be up to me to decide if I want to re-engage.
