If I can tolerate what he is doing (which is so so painful) will he just eventually come back? Its hard for me to understand how, if he is not here, will he see any changes?
Misty Sea I would love to be able to tell you with 100% certainty that he will come back.
You can own and address and pick up the pieces from your own shortcomings and bad decisions. You can't fix the mess your husband has wrought. Your best path forward is to get away from him right now. Drop the rope. That is your only chance of having him come back around. Make it worse in order to make it better, it's the shortest path.
The path of half-measures leads to prolonged limbo and agony.
In the mean time if you want him (or anyone else) to feel safe in this regard, then you need to have a wonderful life on your own. If you have provided for your own emotional needs and are living a life that makes you happy, then you don't need to hang anything over his head, because you really don't *need* him for anything.
He's in your life because you want him to be, not because you need him to be. You're his partner, not his dependent.
The nice thing about that scenario is that his knows if he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain as your partner, that you don't need him and are able to leave him behind while maintaining your wonderful life.
What kind of behavior do you think that will motivate?
Your husband is walking down the street at night and stops between two houses. From one house comes the sound of crying, wailing, and breaking glass. The other house seems to have a party going on and he can hear music and laughter and sounds of friendship. Which house does he want to enter?
If your life is full of warmth, laughter and friendship he won't be able to stay away, and even if he does you won't miss him.
