Thanks so much for the advice everyone - it's been a busy few days and I'm just now getting back to this. So it turns out that the night that I wrote this last update, she suddenly went back to sleeping in the basement and not wearing the ring again. Nothing changed in our interactions so I can only assume that either the PA is not in fact over and that she was just testing the waters, or that whatever had happened in that PA was a small bump in the road and that it's still going strong. So of course this meant that it let me off the hook from having a confrontation about what I know, and I haven't taken it up with her since that time. That may be a part of the problem.
As to the question of what I want as a resolution, I don't know at this point. Honestly, the kids are a huge factor here. I do think I could personally get past the fact that this has happened if she's willing to do all the things that other folks have listed above, and I know that it would take a lot of time, but I don't know that for sure. And the bigger issue to me is the lying and deception. How can I trust her again? I don't know.
Still, we have young kids, and I can't imagine only seeing them 50% of the time at most if we were to ultimately go the D route, which is something that honestly scares me quite a bit. That would be a killer to me, not to mention the potential harm it would do to them since they have no inkling of any issue going on (at least I think they don't, because to them everything is still the same other than their mom having to work very long hours right now).
At any rate, I still need to think this through and really consider what the options are for when I confront her about it. It's not a door I can close at this point so it's a matter of when and not if it comes to the forefront of the conversation. So that's my goal for the week, and we'll see what happens from there...
Journaling right now and need to get some thoughts out there...
It's been a few weeks since W flipped back to being standoffish, and that process has escalated a bit since then. She's still spending long and stressful hours at work, usually comes home for a few hours in the evening where she busies herself with reading or things like doing the laundry, sometimes engages with the kids a bit, and then either goes into the spare room to sleep or several times in the past week has gone to spend the night at a friend's house (unclear if she's actually spending it at her house or if she's going somewhere else). When she leaves, she does it when I'm putting the kids to bed and either doesn't say anything or just texts me that she's leaving. My response to her infrequent texts about anything is generally just "ok."
She's clearly going through a difficult time - work has been incredibly stressful for her in addition to the things that are happening in our M. I've really wanted to engage with and be supportive to her on her work issues, but I've held back. A few times I have asked her about it, and she's generally been short with her answers so I've just dropped it. I know that's not an effective DB strategy, but it's tough for me to watch someone I still care about going through a hard time. I've been engaging less and less on that front. I really think that she needs individual counseling - she seems pretty miserable, at least around me and the kids, right now, but it's not something I'm really in a position to tell her right now as I don't think she can really hear any messages like that from me at the moment. It seems to me that she is linking all of her issues of being unhappy to me and our M right now, even though I don't think that's the source of it. There are certainly things that could be better, and I am really reflecting on being the best person that I can be, but in her own words when the BD happened, things in our M were "fine" and she wants something that's going to be happy and wonderful. In that conversation we both said that what I do isn't going to make her happy and that she needs to find that happiness for herself, while all I could do is contribute to that happiness. We haven't talked at all about the R since then.
In the meantime, I've been enjoying all the time with my kids. It's tough to be the almost sole caregiver during this time, but I've appreciated the opportunities to be with them. It hasn't given me a ton of time to do other things other than work, but I've been able to engage with friends here and there when I can. I'd say 80% of the time I'm doing really well, and sometimes the gravity of the current situation hits me and I feel distraught for a bit, and then I've been able to pretty effectively move back into a positive space. At this point when she's here the house feels tense and when she's not the house feels more peaceful. Most of the day she's not here and that has helped me to feel that sense of peace and to be able to have time to reflect on myself. So while it feels lonely to go to bed myself every night, I've been appreciative of the time that it's given me to read, or just watch TV and relax.
I'm still giving her space, and I've started to question myself on if there is a PA happening. While I've seen evidence of deception on her part, I haven't confirmed the actual PA and am now questioning if I should confront it or just wait it out more. I don't want to wait forever - I can't - but I also don't want to stir things up where there might not be anything there. For now, I'm doing more reflecting, focusing on my detaching and GAL strategies, and taking each day with a positive mindset and working toward knowing that whatever happens I'm going to be fine.
I can sympathize with your situation quite a bit. It seems very similar to my sitch in many ways. There is no way to know what she is thinking, or why she is thinking a particular way. In my situation, my W's triggering event was a rejection by her birth family (W is adopted), combined with mid-40s age group and it was too much for her to handle. 2 years later, BD.
A lot of the advice here is excellent, and I encourage you to keep reading and posting. My best advice to you is often repeated by the vets here: Work on yourself and your relationship with your children. Do not let fear get the best of you. You may end up with a D, or you may not. Do not waste time worrying thinking about things that may not be true or may not ever happen. If you keep the focus on yourself and your kids, you will be best positioned to live your best life, regardless of the outcome of your sitch.
Wow - I can't believe it's been over 6 months since I've posted here, but I just started reading the board again last night and am recognizing how helpful it's been. A lot has happened since then. I confirmed that there was a PA with OM1 which ended in August, which has since ended, but that immediately transitioned into what is at least an EA with OM2. The clear message here is that my WW doesn't want to be with me, which is very obvious to everyone, and she has said she has no desire to work on our MR, but that the PA and EA have nothing to do with that (which I don't think is true, but that's not for me to decide). I've been focused on GAL for myself and for my children, but man has it been tough. WW is still living in the basement, and when I told her that I think she should move out because she clearly doesn't want to be here, she asked me why I shouldn't move out instead. I'm here at least 12 hours every weekday with the kids, so it's not really feasible for me to do that even if I wanted to.
She has expressed a desire to spend more time with just her and the kids, which I can respect, but I've told her that will require her actually spending the time with them when she's at the house rather than disappearing. I'm now setting up a schedule for that, and we've also set up a meeting with our financial advisor to figure out how to split out our current finances. My hope is that this can lead to a physical separation with her getting her own place.
All that said, while I think there is a slim chance that a MR at some point in the future, I'm now at the place where I don't think it's best. My main reason for wanting it to work recently has really been because of thinking about the effect on the kids, but I recognize that me being happy and showing them that love, regardless of the MR, is the best outcome.
So all that to say, I'm glad that things are at least moving forward rather than being in a state of limbo - it actually feels good to be talking about, well, anything at all. So I'm going to continue down this path and see where it goes...
