Well shortly after I posted I called my bff who I can't say talked me down, but was more Cardinal like about the whole thing. "He's not home. Cry it out, rage it out, and get it together before he gets back." So I did, lol. Mostly just the crying. My bff was the officiant at our wedding. She set H and I up. Shortly after hanging up with her my 2 other best friends, two sisters I've been friends with since grade school, my maid of honor and bridesmaid, checked in with me, and kind of reality checked me that I can't just ignore the anniversary. That if nothing else I've made it to that anniversary. Hard fought, exhausted, but gracefully. And no matter how much they don't like this journey for me all of it's my journey. Shortly after that I had flowers delivered from them. A little while later when I finally started getting it together my other friend from childhood, my bridesman, simply sent a text saying "Thinking about you today. Know you are loved." Yesterday after that text from H rocked my world I was so upset that he messed up my plan of just pretending it wasn't happening. But it was like the universe knew I A) couldn't ignore yesterday as much as I wanted to a B) gave me a reason to celebrate because if nothing else I learned the people I chose to stand by me on my wedding day are my people. Those are the people who in my brightest and darkest moments are going to be by my side
As far as H goes I hadn't anticipated him acknowledging our anniversary like at all. He's typically avoidant. I assumed because it was going to be awkward he'd just pretend it wasn't happening as well. I didn't respond to his text so he started sending me funny and cute videos then asked me what we were doing for dinner. D17 was going to be leaving in the late afternoon to help her bf make his first big boy meal for his roommates and her. I told him my plan. He asked me to cancel it. Suggested we get sushi. He came home showered, ordered our dinner, paid and picked it up. We picnicked on the living room floor, my suggestion. Watched a movie, his suggestion. Drank lots of wine. Had empty house "adult time" also his suggestion. Ate some ice cream while binge watching Jersery Shore. Joked around. Shared memes. Discussed the kids. Talked more about things we want to do this weekend. He wants to hit up a few stores that finally reopened. I want to drive out a bit into the country and go hiking at a state park. He didn't really invite me and I didn't really invite him. It got late and I figured I'd go climb in bed. No, he didn't decide he's sleeping in bed with me now. He did call me back into the living room when I was about to close my door for the night. H told me to look into what park I want to go to and let's plan that for Saturday and let's do the stores Friday since we both get done early. Always throwing me off this guy.
It wasn't the anniversary I had planned for this year. Not the one I had planned when I woke up yesterday. Not the one I was thinking about 8 months ago. And definitely not the one I thought I'd be having 3 or 4 months ago. We aren't magically better. We didn't even really talk about the MR. We just did the best we could when I think we were both feeling pretty sh** about the whole day. It wasn't what I wanted in any iteration of what I thought it should be. But it was exactly what I needed. Him doing his best to be kind and thoughtful. And me just letting go and letting god instead of trying to bend the universe to my will.
