LH - What do you do with a WAS spouse that is having a EA/PA actively while living with you at home?
Do you ask him to leave?
If I do, I know he is just going to run straight into her arms. Then what? Then how will he see any changes or burn thru that resentment when he will have started a 'new' life, and be filling his mind with the OW. To me that would just prolong it all.
If I can tolerate what he is doing (which is so so painful) will he just eventually come back? Its hard for me to understand how, if he is not here, will he see any changes?
What have you seen that works?
Your best bet would be to ask him to leave and drive him right into her arms. You can easily convince yourself that this advice is ridiculous, overblown, not necessary in your case, etc etc but in reality you're feeling that it's too scary. Sit with that for a while -- analyze the fear. Look at it from different angles and understand it. What are you afraid of and why? Your fear holds you back and must be dealt with.
Do you know when you are 100% most likely to reconcile effectively?
When you no longer care if you do or not.
That's the honest and sad truth. Reconciliation requires a level playing field, an even starting line. BOTH of you need to be willing to walk and to believe the other one will leave. That makes you something worth having.
You are micro-focused in your questions above -- you need a big picture view.
Your very best chance of turning this around is as follows:
-- Do not do anything to support or enable his affair -- Do not tolerate having it go on before you, kick the elephant out of the room. Don't be punishing about it, just remove yourself from situations where you are being disrespected -- Ask him to move out. Do NOT co-habitate with a cheater. It's TOO HARD to save your marriage effectively in that context -- Talk to a lawyer immediately, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Begin accepting that you have to completely let him go in order to get her back -- Tell him you will not support him if you are no longer acting as a married couple.
Is this harsh? Does it seem crazy? Is it like stepping off a cliff? I guarantee you'll look back two years from now and regret that you didn't do these things -- I guarantee that.
