Limbo over, now separated but in lockdown (part 3)

[may22]

I’m trying to give myself (and him) a mental break from constantly thinking about the M. It’s hard to get it out of my mind 24/7 but I am distracting myself. I’m also not sure myself which way I’m leaning.

That's OK, and glad you're focusing on you and engaging in other things!

He sent me some links about the impact of S/D on children. I’d already sent them to him about 5 months ago. He’s only just getting the enormity of the situation now.

Surprise!! My H did the same thing. Sometimes they're a little slow

I found the conversation hurtful because it seemed a stark reminder that there is no R in sight as far as he is concerned. This kind of interaction just sets me back again. I refrained from making any comments about him having left, or wishing he would come back, or ‘I told you it would hurt them but you didn’t see an issue’.

Good job on refraining on any comments. My read? (not to be mindreading, but)-- he threw out some positive breadcrumbs on the social posting, texts, etc. That didn't work to get a response from you so then he tried temp checking in the other direction to see if he could get a reaction that makes him feel better, confirming that you're still there. If you'd said those things, you'd have given him that certainty. Do your very very best to not let anything like that cross your lips. Otherwise, you're back to square one. And don't let it throw you. He's just opening his mouth and letting his confusion all out-- it doesn't mean he thinks D is a certainty, or anything, really. Remember, believe nothing of what they say.

I kept the conversation very business like. He asked how i was, how my weekend was but I kept my answers short, and didn’t ask him how he was. Should I be asking him or should I not go there? I’m still struggling between being cheery and interested in him or showing him I’m over it.

I agree with WF on this-- positive and cheerful for YOU, nothing to do with him. Neutrality is what you're striving for. You can be cheerful and totally disinterested in him, or at least not overtly interested in him. Not rude, not showing him you're over him-- simply you are good with yourself as you are, you don't need him (or anyone) to be happy.

Again, this may be a fake it til you make it kind of thing, but I do think it is really critical. I think the key is focusing on YOU and what you need, doing things because you genuinely want to do them, not because you want to elicit any particular response from him. I'd try not to overthink it and have your default be not asking, not over-responding, not saying anything relationship-related.