And then it was over.

[BlueSea]

Really appreciate the support and all the advice. Sunday was my 23rd Anniversary. I did the best I could do in this situation, in the RV, with the kids, with the pain of where my marriage is at.

As Sage4 commented

One step at a time. It can be tiny, you might take a few steps back, but just keep lifting that foot and placing it in front of you.

I am just doing that, inching along - so thank you for acknowledging that even though I am not doing what I should be doing - I am doing what I CAN do right now. I may regret it later, that I didnt do x or y, but I am really broken - and have to be kind to myself when I can, usually I am beating myself up about something/anything.

You take the attitude of “oh you think you’ll be better off without me well then have it”. Then you go out a live an awesome life. The reality is most men are not happier divorced. Within a couple years he’ll look and realize he didn’t have it so bad and look back in your direction. Ultimately you’ll have final say in the matter.

LH19 - this was a great read to me, hard to digest the 'years' part, but just reading that portion about thinking he will be better off without me, 'well then have it' - has helped me, I say it under my breath to myself - and just saying it feels really empowering - and I need that right now.

On our anniversary- there was an exchange of cards - nothing heavy at all - he thanked me for the good times and we raised 2 great kids. Mine was light. I thought the trip went well, in my opinion - the kids really had a great time amazingly and he was really tuned into being kind to them.

He is so up and down - nice then sooo not nice. This is strange, I make him coffee every morning in the RV, without his asking - and he never acknowledged that I did it or that he appreciated it. So Monday morning, I was blue - I could not muster a chipper good morning to his and I didnt make him coffee. He was trying to get the kids in gear to move and make it an early morning, but did not want to be the bad guy about it, and they were not moving (they are teens). I knew he wanted me to jump in and take care of it, but I did not- I just did not feel like doing that for him. So he left the RV.

I caught up with him post his walk. I knew something was up. This is what I don't get. He was genuinely hurt about the coffee & how I treated him that morning - I just dont get it. He was focusing on this & was hurt that I did not make him coffee or was not my usual self (really not my usual self - just how I FORCE myself to be). Anyway, I don't get it - he is ripping my heart out through my nose - and he is going to confront me on coffee making???!!! I was just about to blow! I didn't though - calmness prevailed. Why I mention this is because - there is something to all this - he comes off as the big bad wolf but really he is hurting inside and what I do or say DOES affect him!! That just made an impression on me that I thought I would share.

And ... please dont think I am a wallflower...I do have an end to my patience. After the kids (I did not stop them) were riling him about not getting me anything for pretty much any anniversary, he put on his mad face towards me, which would usually mean I need to shrink and back down. But this time I told him that I was getting tired of him bullying me. That just because he did not like what he heard, does not mean he gets the liberty of scowling at me to scare me. He was shocked at that. I suggested we use that d.e.a.r. technique - and it did help him to see my perspective. That was good.

I REALLY dont think any of this is going to amount to a hill of beans in the end . Oh, I would love for him to work this out - but this guy has other things going on in his head - and having a OW whispering sweet nothings and sheer adorations - is not helping. What I have learned on this board (just recently), is that you could do everything right per DB rules - and they still leave you. The wisdom being taught here is to detach detach detach so when it does happen, your just a bit more prepared.

Thanks everyone for helping me get thru this past weekend. I re-read all your posts several times, I appreciate you folks out there that got it & me, supported me with encouragement, and also Steve, who really really wants me to wake up.