a new normal

[may22]

May, you are doing so well. I don't think you think you are, but I think you are.

Thanks... I needed that.

Yes, I was the HD partner in a SSM and to be honest, that made the EA ten times worse for me. There was physical attraction there, expressed to each other, and it wasn't far off from becoming a PA. I was totally dumbfounded that this man who had said some version of 'if only I wasn't so tired, you know I'd want to, but it's just impossible right now and I'm as frustrated about it as you are,' for literally years had found the emotional interest and desire and time for someone else.

Ugh, that "I'm just so tired" was me for so long. I didn't even really know why I felt that way. Then I started to feel that there was something wrong with me, that it was all my fault-- which in turn sparked a lot of anger and resentment and defensiveness that started to leak into other things.

Thanks for sharing your experience, both now and before... it is really helpful. Our sitch has some similar threads but b/c the roles are reversed in the HD/LD partners, it is hard to parse out. One thing that is probably good though a bit frustrating in the moment is that my H is completely dedicated to not doing or saying anything that doesn't feel authentic. Sometimes I do wish he'd say or do something just to make me feel better, but he isn't, and it does at least help me to sort out a bit better where he stands than if he was trying do things to comfort me but felt controlled or smothered inside. He's definitely not doing that right now

SamCal, I think I have gotten out of the practice of validating, as has he, since we stopped seeing the MC with the lockdown. We are good at it in easy conversations now but crappy at it in difficult ones. I also think that is a good suggestion to take things out of order. I need to keep reminding myself I'm in this for the long haul, I didn't sign up for this because it was easy. Marathon not a sprint and all the rest.

Last night we had a talk about the talk, so to speak. I shared with him the questions I want answered about the A and why, where I stand on the SSM and my willingness to dig into it, my need to eventually understand why he did what he did and how things will be different in the future, whether he's ready to "burn the boats" or not, and my boundary around not hearing any more about his feelings for AP.

It went relatively well. In the back of my mind, of course I had this small hope he'd be checking all those boxes the WS is supposed to check before R-- totally transparent, remorseful, etc. Of course that did not happen. But what did happen is that he said he would answer all my questions to the best of his ability. He doesn't think there is anything out there that will be too difficult/painful-- if the revelations in the past have been at the 7,8,9 level on a scale of 1-10, there are probably things more in the 3-5 range still to be disclosed... but he knows even those may be pretty $hitty to hear about.

He said he understood why I didn't want to hear anything about his feelings, but felt that it was like if the information was a piece of art, me saying I wanted to look but still half-covering my eyes. He feels like to really understand the full scope the feelings are a very relevant piece of the puzzle. I said I got it about the feelings, no need to have more information on that-- back to the art analogy, the feelings were like the basic outline and I get all of that, now I want some of the detail that I'm missing. He said OK.

We both agreed it is important to get all the lies out and off the table, even lies of omission (that distinction is still important to him). It also became clear to me in the conversation that he feels like the feelings he had for AP somehow partially justified his actions-- he said he has been working with his IC to determine if he's just a bad person (she says no) and I think he thinks it would be way worse if he did all those things for $hits and giggles. Somehow he feels like less of a bad person because of the emotions. OK.

He said he can't answer the question of why he did it. He wants to. He talked more about working with his IC on the question of whether or not he's just a jerk. I said I thought it was something we'd have to work through together.

On the burning the boats... turns out we had a different interpretation of this. He felt like I wanted to burn the boats like Alexander the Great invading Persia, to prevent the troops from deserting-- we either go home in Persian boats or not at all. So burning the boats was a control thing for him, me wanting to control his choices. I clarified that I didn't want to burn the boats-- I wanted him to be in a place where he burnt the boats himself. He said he wants to not really care or think about if the boats are there or not. He said he's getting there.

He did refer to the AP in the past tense, said he hoped she's "moved on too" and that he does have some guilt around her and it would help him to know if she was happy and over him. It does seem like he's not spending much time and energy thinking about her from what he said, and the heat/emotion was dialed far back from where it was when we talked about her before. That doesn't mean he feels back in love with me, I think-- I didn't go there and neither did he, but he did say some things around feeling like I want to just put this all behind us and have a picture-perfect marriage, and he isn't sure he can do that yet. A lot came up around control again, and his need to feel heard/felt and be a partner in designing what M2.0 is going to look like, not just default to what I want it to be. I'm fine with all this, but do think he's just jumping to conclusions about what he imagines I want since we haven't talked about it at all.

He's also still somewhat stuck on the SSM. He said something along the lines of me thinking that now that I want to have sex, that will make things all better. That it is like five years ago he was saying he was really thirsty, and now he's covered in third degree burns and I'm offering him water. It is what he needed five years ago but not necessarily today. Okay. I have some qualms around this, that maybe it is true he'll never be able to fully restart those feelings for me. But I am trying to tell myself (channeling Yail) that it hasn't been very long at all, that things are improving slowly, not to write my future before I get there. And that he has healing and processing to do too, both about the A and his behavior but about the SSM too.

Anyway... so we talked a little, didn't dig in too much. It wasn't fun or comfortable but I'm glad we did it. I'm not sure if we'll make it a regular thing until we can get back into MC, and/or when I'll raise the issue of actually answering the questions (last night we didn't want to stay up too late so had agreed to talk about broad strokes but not have "the talk"). I do have some unfounded disappointment that he isn't farther along, but... I only control me. Need to keep my focus there.