I need some talking off the ledge and am open to some 2x4's...
H came home for the child swap and wanted to talk. He wants more time with the kids, which is reasonable for him to ask even though the kids aren't interested in being away from me. He told me that if I wasn't going to work with him then we needed to go to mediation. I validated his position and said that I needed some time to think about what that would look like for us all.
He then brought up some R stuff and the timeline our of 'issues'. I spoke about how I felt that we haven't really even given our R a chance, that we have only spent a couple months in MC, these 'issues' are new to me and I feel like our R and our children deserve for us to give everything we have, if even for a short period of time, before making a decision. He told me he has had these issues for 13 years, has been thinking about them the whole time and he doesn't think anything can change. And me even asking for a chance to work on them invalidates his process, invalidates how long and hard he has thought about all of this. Which may be true, but I know that the majority of his 'processing' has taken place in his head and probably also with OW/EA (I really don't think that he wants to build a life with OW, she has her own kids, lives across the country, I know he won't leave our kids to move there, etc). He seems fairly resolute, talks about things like 'when we split up', but won't commit to one way or another. Says he needs more time and space to really figure out what he wants. I asked if he needed time and space to accept a D, or time and space to figure out if he wants to work on the MR. He said both. But every indication he is giving me is that he wants a D.
We have been in a limbo state (sort of) working on the R since October. Separated since beginning of April. The kids are fed up with the confusion, they are telling their friends we are getting a D, even though we haven't said that we are. Our eldest told me he wished we could just decide so we could all get used to things and move on. That it is horrible for them and they hate it. We don't fight in front of the kids, there is no animosity in their presence, they just hate this limbo state of not knowing what's happening with us as a family.
I know everyone is going to say that time is my friend, but I am so sick of feeling blindsided by more 'issues'. I am a fixer, of a growth mindset and would have done everything in my power to change/grow/be a better person if I had known about his issues. I am hurt by the re-writing of our past and am feeling like a doormat. I mean, how awfully amazing would it be to step outside of your real life and spend days on end thinking about yourself and what you want right now in these quarantined times? While someone emotionally and physically cares for your children and your home, patiently waiting for heartbreak and destruction. He is a good dad and plugged in with the kids when he is with them, so that I am not complaining there.
I am both sad and angry at the moment, but the prevailing emotion is wanting him to just p*** or get off the pot. If he wanted to be with me, if he wanted to work on our MR, he would be here, doing those things. But he's not. And he is not giving me any indication that he wants to, or plans to in the future. I don't even get breadcrumbs these past couple of weeks. I am so confused by our reconciliation a few weeks ago, to this now. Hope, then despair.
I feel like I have been holding the flame for a long time, but am getting sick of it. I am worth so much more than this.
