With much gratitude for all the support from the board, I am happy to say I was able to find calm with my sometimes-seems-like-a-teenager roommate H during these long stay-at-home orders. I've spent time meditating and practicing mindfulness. I've found a lot of joy over the past two months, got slightly derailed by H's blowing up at me, and regrouped, got back on the calm and grateful path.
wooba, may, Gerda, I was so grateful for your posts, questions, and guidance at the end of my last thread. I've been reflecting quite a bit on our past relationship and how I have struggled to find and project compassionate indifference over the almost-year since BD.
Originally Posted by wooba
The brief & disinterested responses are totally counter-intuitive because we are trained to be caretakers and fixers. But just as you were trained to do the things you used to do before, you can train yourself with using these responses, and eventually it will become easier.
This really resonated with me, wooba. I think over the last couple of years of our M, when H seemed to be increasingly prone to anger (while usually saying he wasn't angry—and maybe whatever he was really feeling wasn't anger but it came out that way), I think I stepped up this role even more. I no longer worry about looking after his feelings or trying to soothe him if he is frustrated. Of course, I shouldn't have felt that was my responsibility before either, but it is part of being trained to be a caretaker, I think. It was also part of my feeling guilty for the SSM, feeling, without realizing it, that whatever anger he demonstrated must be my fault, because: SSM. Nope--he is responsible for his feelings and how he expresses them, works (or not) to understand them, and he was responsible for communicating with me.
Originally Posted by may22
Cardinal, I was wondering something. Whenever I read your posts (and this may be totally wrong, so please forgive me if I'm misinterpreting) I get the feeling that you are making yourself small, kind of, for him. You are always accommodating, kind, quiet.
[...]
Be YOU without any worries of what he'll think or how he'll feel or what he'll do. I'm not saying be a jerk, or be like him. Just don't be afraid to be yourself and to not think about him at all for awhile, if you can.Be YOU without any worries of what he'll think or how he'll feel or what he'll do. I'm not saying be a jerk, or be like him. Just don't be afraid to be yourself and to not think about him at all for awhile, if you can.
Originally Posted by Gerda
He won't see you as you during MLC, no matter how small or big you are. Only do things for you, to find yourself again.
Thank you for chiming in, Gerda! You have been through so much, and I so admire your strength and am always appreciative of your advice. It rings true that it is sometimes hard to know why you're doing anything when you're living with an MLCer. I think only in retrospect have I understood the ways I have been over-accommodating.
May, I think I made myself smaller for the last stretch of our M and definitely after BD. It is part of my ongoing work to try to identify when I am doing this and ask what do I want, not how might it affect him. It becomes ingrained and hard for me to recognize. On the one hand, I do want to fly under the radar sometimes--I'd rather him not notice me, not interact with me, want to just stay in my own little world. On the other, this is my house too, and I don't want to make myself invisible because I feel it's easier for him, you know?
I, of course, like your suggestion to eat all the ice cream. One thing I did: I bought mulch and spread it over the landscaped area of the yard I worked so hard to create a couple of years ago, and it was glorious. Nothing more beautiful than fresh-spread mulch. Well, it is one of many beautiful things.
Kindness for me and for him is being kind to myself and not giving him a pass on behavior that is not respectful. Kindness is respecting myself.
Originally Posted by may22
He goes as far as to invite someone over into your home during this pandemic and when you have the temerity to simply say it made you feel uncomfortable, he goes ballistic.
Right, and he framed it as me being controlling, and I know I wasn't trying to control him and was justified in sharing my concern, but... some part of me still feels like I'm exaggerating his behavior there, some part of me still has to fight against the way he tried to make me feel awful for even bringing it up! I'm still struggling a bit with feeling like I'm the only one experiencing this side of him in "real life." I think the more I get comfortable with indifference, the more I can be calm and strong and detached (like wooba!) no matter how he tries to project or blame me. Reading through the answer's to Sage4's question ("For those of you who had WAS’s return at some point, were they ever really contemptuous or mean to you about the things you said or boundaries you put up?") has been very helpful for me as well.
So: compassionate indifference is my focus for this thread. I remember DnJ writing about the feelings of love we have for our spouse being put away for the time being (of course, he phrases it much more eloquently), and that's where I'm at. I don't want to replace those feelings with anger. I want to be my generally kind and quiet self without shrinking and letting him walk all over me. Please do call me out on this, if you notice it. Like Gerda said, he won't see me as me right now anyway, no matter what I do.
It is too hot to bake this week! I made bread over the weekend and will have to plan my next bake. May, I'm glad you found yeast. I was so excited to find two bags of unbleached flour the other week.
