It's been a long, strange journey since I last updated with everything happening in my life. I was fired from my job from the IT company I was at for a year and a half. The same company I was working when my M was crashing and burning, yes. At the same time, I started to date and found myself in an R with a 39 year old mother of 3 teenagers. Since I last posted, I found work at a contract manufacturing company as a temp worker. I stayed there for four months. Things were pretty good between my (now ex) GF and I. We spent time with each other about once a weekend with me generally spending the night. She met D6 (how time flies) about two months after we started dating. Things were pretty good, but I started to notice a few things about her and my R with her. I'll get to the R details later since I want to finish filling you all in on what has been happening in my life up to this point.
My contract with the company ended just before Christmas with no offer of being hired on full-time, despite applying and being turned down for a few positions. Needless to say, the rejections crushed me and greatly affected my morale and mood going into 2020. In the 5 months since, I have applied to over 100 jobs with getting 10 interviews and eventually 2 job offers. The first one was close to where my exGF lived, the other, where I am working now, is close to where I live. It was a very difficult 5 months. I was spending time applying for jobs, exercising (I was still lifting!), break in to selling handmade photo gift cards, and spend time with D6. I was able to keep it together but the winter weather and the difficulty of landing a job stated to take on a mental and emotional toll on me. I broke down crying calling the local crisis line because I was so hopeless with the way things were unfolding. It seemed like no matter how much I tried I kept failing. My depression fully took hold and I was again fighting what was seemingly an impossible battle. COVID just seemed to make it worse (when in reality, it was when things started to turn around for me as far a job hunting goes). I was able to get a decent-paying job about 30 minutes from my house with (hopefully) an opportunity for advancement after my 90 day period is over. It's a fall from what I used to make but it's not unemployment and I am making enough to cover my monthly expenses. It's early but I feel and hope that my professional life is starting to turn around. I hope that it continues to improve and I can achieve the professional goals I set out to achieve when I left my toxic job (the one before the IT job).
My exGF was going through hardships of her own; her dog dying, her mom's cancer diagnosis, her XH going to jail for domestic assault on New Years Day, raising three teenagers, and school. She told me on numerous occasions that my R with her was good, though I was having my doubts about it and her. That being said, I did the best I could to apply the lessons from my previous M, the advice I got from this board, and other online resources. I made sure that I was the man in the R by leading the family when we were together doing family activities. I even made sure that sex was better and more regular than what it was with my XW. While all of this was going on, I made an effort to move forward from my XW, though there were times in which my XW was on the phone with me in front of my GF and XW would say something that would adversely affect me. My GF was starting to push me into moving into her place but my brain was screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOO!". Her house was always so busy and I felt like I was more of a father replacement than a BF. We would go on dates when we can, but to be honest, it just did not feel right. Things were not clicking into place as I feel as they should. I tried to make it a R that exhibited love, but I just felt that the effort I was putting in was not being reciprocated. Should I have voiced my concern? Yes. It was a failure that contributed towards the end. Instead of communicating to her directly about it, I shelved it and hoped to approach it later. I moved forward with the R and hoped that as time moved on, our personal lives would get better and our R would be able to overcome this and take it to another level.
Then COVID hit. We started to see a lot less of each other and we tried (I tried) to keep our connection going. When I said that I tried, I suggested a video dinner. That happened once and she told me that she already ate dinner and was lying in her bed with pajamas on. So that was another blow to the R. We called each other daily, but the spark was not there anymore. I honestly wanted to end things but felt that I was not giving it the chance it needed. I wanted to see her again and try to rekindle things face to face. Alas, that never came to fruition as she attempted to ghost me but I called her the next day to talk things over and ultimately breaking up mutally.
Looking back, I am happy that I experienced what I feel was a rebound relationship. It validated that I am capable of finding love again. I am going to take a break from dating in general for now. I would love to get out there again, since I still have needs, but I am not in a desperate, post-BD rush to get them. I still have a lot of work to do on myself. I noticed that in my last R I was starting to put aside the things that I enjoyed, like photography, and be complacent doing just enough to get by. I am working on improving my environment around me, like taking care of my house, cleaning, cooking my own meals. I am doing my best to be the best father to D6 I can be. I am working on my anger issues, which flare up from time to time. I am proud to say that I don't have outbursts to my XW like I did, though that may just be due to drifting apart after time. The biggest challenge is with D6 and she is now of the age where she tells me if I need to simmer down. I am very thankful for that, as she is working with me on keeping my anger in check. I am going into my 4th week at my new job and want to make sure I set myself up for success and growth. It is still early as to whether or not I will enjoy working there in the long term, but for now, it's a paycheck that is covering my expenses and is getting me out of the house.
My feelings for XW have gotten to the point where I don't want an R with her. I miss the good memories I had with her. I miss who she was and what she meant for me. I see her now and I am not attracted to her. She is not the same person I loved. And most importantly, she is not the same person I trusted. I share very little personal things with her, though none of it has to do with the way things fell apart or my R with with XGF. There was one day when I was having a particularly hard day and I was crying. She called to ask stuff about D6 and asked me if I was ok. I told her that I was struggling and not sure what I wanted other than the pain to stop. She digs in a little more and shows concern that I may have thoughts of self-harm, to which I don't. I tell her that I am not going to do anything that would affect D6 because she needs her daddy. XW replies that it's not just for that reason I don't want to hurt myself. I told her that I'm fine. I know how it would affect my friends and family and would not subject them to that pain. She then brings up some of the times I was happy, like our M. I told her that it was a happy time, and that it was gone now. I ended the call telling her that things will be ok and that I will be fine. I try not to analyze her feelings and what she says, because it does not change anything.
I hope that all of you are doing well. I will try to resume some semblance of normal posting, but it would be more of me journaling rather than what XW is doing and trying to salvage a dead marriage. I am typing this with a thick, cloudy feeling in my head, so some of the stuff I typed out may not make sense. I will do what I can to clarify things in this post as I revisit you all.
