The short version is that my W is a triathlete. She had a 5 mo long PA with her coach. We are both 47 now and the OM is a few years younger. I discovered the A about 2 months in and she was kicked out of the house. We were “working” on the M when I was told the A stopped and she was living in a rent house. 3 months later, I discover the A is still going on so I file for D. OM then confesses to his W, the A ends and my W and I start reconciling the following week. A month later and she has moved back home. I took her back at the first sign of true remorse.
In the first couple of months that she was home, I felt she was behaving appropriately. She seemed remorseful, embarrassed, humble. Then something changed. Not sure what but her demeanor changed and she no longer struck me as the remorseful spouse ready to do whatever it takes to heal the damage.
Over the past 4 years, we’ve gone to counseling on and off. We go to church and participate in the various groups there. I’ve read a multitude of books and participated in A recovery programs. But we have for whatever reason, never truly reconciled and healed. I do not trust her. I think (know) she keeps secrets. And I don't think she’s actually even sorry for having the A. The main thing that I needed her to do was back off the triathlon stuff for a period of time at least until we could heal the M. That never happened. She went right back to it (without training with the OM) but we frequently ended up at the same places/races.
Fast forward to this February and she tells me she’s leaving and filing for D. Of course, everything is my fault. I will say that I am 100% a changed man from who I was 4 years ago but of course I am not perfect. I am still human. But I am a radically better person. The changes I made 4 years ago stuck.
So she moves back to the same rent house as before. I go to my church looking for help and I get it. I get her to take divorce off the table; at least for now. Then Covid hits so we aren't going to counseling or to meet with our church pastors. Nothing is happening to improve the R and we are barely seeing or speaking to each other. For the most part, I completely leave her alone. I detach, 180 and GAL. Even reread the entire DB book.
About 3 weeks ago, she seems to be acting very oddly and it seems to me like Affair behavior. I tell my pastor that something is “wrong.” 4 days later, basically by accident, I find out she had a 90 min phone call with OM. I inform the church and OM’s W. It is then that I find out that OM has just been kicked out of the house because he had another A that lasted 18 months after my W. He is now living in someone’s camper on a vacant lot. He has lost his training business and is stocking shelves at Wal Mart. Then I end up intercepting and email from my W to OM. The subject line is “True Love.” She basically goes on to discuss what a beautiful person he is. He is a “Blinding Light!” according to her. And now she loves him the way Jesus wants her to love him. Blah! I spoke to OM’s wife on the phone and I learn that my W texted OM a couple of years ago with a message and a song. The song is The Air That I Breath by the Hollies. Go Google the lyrics to that for a real kick in the nuts. That was sent to him a YEAR into our reconciliation. I also learned that my W had been participating in conversations about OM on a public FB group. OM’s W confronted my W and told her to stop doing that and leave their family alone. I’m only finding out about this now.
So I do not believe my wife is remorseful and I believe she is still romanticizing OM. I do not believe she has been having another A with the same guy over the past 4 years because he was in an A with a different woman (another athlete). And it really would have been impossible for her to physically be around him anyways. But she certainly could have still been having a 1 sided EA from afar the entire time. That could certainly be one of the reasons we have been unable to heal.
I received D papers in the mail yesterday. I guess that is my punishment for telling our church about the phone call she had with OM. My W is behaving Bat Sh!t crazy right now and she has never really been that way. She’s lied to the associate pastors about what is going on. She did meet with our head pastor after I informed the church about the emails and phone calls. He told her in no uncertain terms that she is sinning and being disobedient to God. She agrees and that she will accept whatever consequences come from her behavior.
I just don't even know what to do right now. I am sad, heart broken and dumbfounded as to why we are here again. I will have to tell my daughters this afternoon about the divorce when they get back in town. They are 17 and 18. They live with me and have only gone to stay with my wife 2 weekends since she left. They do not know about the A and I do not intend to tell them unless they ask me directly. I will not lie to them. I do know that they are NOT happy with my W right now and the way she is treating me. I’ve gone dark. Definitely doing LRT.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
