Hello all. I haven't had the will to update, but I think I need to to write some things out. I also don't have a very exciting life over here. I go to work, I come home. Repeat.
I am suffering from a bout of depression, but I think I am beginning to dip my way out. There is nothing like a pandemic to highlight your current situation. I will begin by being so happy to have a job, let alone 2 of them. It's the only place I am not isolated. I am so glad for the income, of course. Especially since one of D12's new favorite pastimes is online shopping, lol. But seriously, people can only spend time with their immediate families around here. ANd i can see how much of that I don't have. It does echo how empty your house can be. But in that same breath, D and i are even closer than ever, we do alot togehter. She's gone on a fitness journey and we work out to these videos she likes. We play games, we do some crafts, we play in the yard, we do a whole lot togehter. She's even been wanting to sleep in my bed lately, and honestly, I love it. I feel loved and safe having her and the pup in my bed. I really hate now more than ever when she goes to her dad's. But I am happy there they are having some time together with family. SHe gets to see her grandmother and cousins again. SHe needs it. She misses her friends her awfully. My heart aches for her. Her 8th grade year is next. The only sport she has ever done and loves is cheerleading which is a big deal for 8th grade year may not happen. August starts practice and it is not a socially distancing sport, and neither is football who they cheer for. I get so sad thinking about it.
On ex news: my D had found a letter at the ex's house I had written to him during my pathetic letter writing days going though the divorce. APparently is was from pictures I had given him. I don't think he knew the letter was in that envelope when he gave it to D. Well, apparrently that letter had eluded to the affair, and my daughter is incredibly smart, and she knows. She tried asking me again the truth. It was before work and i told her we would talk later and luckily she never brought it up again. She knows for sure. But I know if I say it to her and she hears it out of my mouth, it will affect her R with her dad and her stepmother and I don't want that to happen. We will have the talk one day when she is older.
SO I hate this reality, but my ex is my go to guy. Let's face it, I need a man for certain things. There is heavy lifting, some repairs, etc, I just can't do. ANd I am a strong chick. SO, I take his offer on help and even ask sometimes. He did my front brakes for me, and i paid in home baked goods and steaks from costco. He offers to do other things around the house always asks if I need him to do anything. Which is hilarious because when we were married he didn't want to do sqaut for me. But I really don't want him to be my go to guy., I try to find anyway to pay him. (not anyway, lol)
As for myself, in my rabbit hole, my eating and drinking was too much. I wasn't getting drunk, I was just packing in more calories. I was packing on the pounds and it wasn't making me feel any better, so I finally took control. I was against going on a "diet" again, but I decided it's best for me. ANd i have researched on and found one that is doable for me. My exercise is a bit limited because my right foot has been having tons of pain (MRI tomorrow) but I am moving more and doing these videos with D12. ALl i felt I had to look forward to was my drinks when I got home and something good to eat. ANd it was kind of true. But I wasn't even looking forward to it anymore. I kind of stopped caring about what I looked like or how I felt anymore. Luckily, I am caring a bit again
The big 40 is next week and if the weather permits, D and i will go to my dad's and enjoy the beach, Cross your fingers on the weather! and in good COVID news, the numbers have dropped significantly in my hospital. Which doesn;t mean we can act the fool now. ANd if one more person says wearing a facemask violates their rights, I am going to throat punch them. One simple thing to help reopen and keep others healthy, and this entitled whiny society can't deal with that. Then they can come to my unit and go sit with the patient's who have COVID. It's the law to wear clothes, right? Is that a violation of rights too? Ok, I won't get started. I just hope americans who want things to reopen so badly can be wise about it. Go out and wear a facemask, wash your hands, and stay home if you are sick. Not too much of a violation, is it?
Well back to my monday of waiting for the sun to come out. If you made it this far, thanks for listening
