Trying to be hopeful...

[may22]

How did you get to the point of not caring? I have been working on acknowledging my role in the demise of our current M, so I am trying to be open to his truths. But I also want to protect mine. I feel supported by the family and friends who know our sitch, they saw the same truths as I did. But I also don't want to overlook some arenas where I could improve.

I do think it is important for all of us to be open to learning/growing/hearing where we can improve. I wholeheartedly believe that we all could always do better. At the same time, I think you absolutely do need to protect and believe in your own truth. Don't let him gaslight you. Spend the time you need to to really dissect what was/is going on and where you have room to improve, and in those areas, go for it, try 180s, etc. But where you know you were right, or you were simply doing the best you could with the tools you had at that time? Forgive yourself and let it go. You can't change the past. Don't let it drag you down. Acknowledge it, learn from it, and move on.

I think the most important part is really understanding and listening to YOURSELF, not to him, or to a reflection of you from him. If he is in la-la land, that really $ucks. Of course it does. He is your H and the father of your children and the fact that he's making these choices is awful. But... those are his choices, not yours. Focus on yourself and celebrate the things you CAN do, and remove the focus from the things you can't.

I am trying to be kind, but detached. I have had periods of time in our R where he felt I was cold and unattached, there was some unhealthy pursuer-distancer dynamics. So I can't go too cold or removed or it validates his claims against me. So I am trying to be nice without trying to 'nice him back' (which also is a turn off to him right now). The 'nice' dance is all happening on a super fine razor's edge, so I struggle to keep my balance here.

My H and I had a similar dynamic, we had an SSM after the kids and he was the pursuer. I also had a hard time with this part, trying not to be too cold yet also not pursuing back. Wooba gave you some really good advice about not walking on eggshells. I did this for probably six months and at one point my H called me out on it and said he really felt uncomfortable feeling that I was walking on eggshells around him, and I realized in that moment how unattractive that was. Plus, it wasn't me. So, I stopped. I was explicit in R talks when they happened and it was relevant that I was attracted to him but I did not try to initiate anything. I stopped trying to be nice when I didn't feel like it and instead was more authentic-- fun and friendly when I felt like it, took time for myself to GAL, read, etc when I didn't. (We lived together through all of this, no true S though he did spend a number of nights on the futon in the office, and before the pandemic he did travel a lot for work).

I think that the hard part in all of this is that it just takes time, and our spouses are often on very different timelines than we are. I remind myself of this very frequently. I still repeat to myself over and over-- this is a marathon, not a sprint. I only control me.