Limbo over, now separated but in lockdown (part 3)

[Pommy99]

Hi Pommy,

I am new here, but have been following your situation and have so much empathy for what you are going through. We have very similar timelines with our separations, and even had brief reconciliations on the same day(s).

The rollercoaster is so real and I am so mad at myself for allowing myself to feel a little bit of hope for those moments. Only to be dashed again and back at square one. Navigating his confusion, while also trying to deal with my own confusion on our M.

I am finding that with each blow (momentary recon, discovery that the old EA is back again), I am bouncing back quicker each time. I am definitely not as detached as I would like to be, not by a long shot, but I am making baby steps.

Hi Sage I am so sorry you are going through this too. You have probably read that my H had an on/off EA. I know how much that hurts. It’s good that you are bouncing back better each time. I crashed very badly after his reconciliation u-turn 3 weeks ago. I have cried harder than I have ever done but I also think I may be moving into grieving and acceptance. I feel more detached than ever before. My therapist is really helping right now. We have discussed Trauma Bonding and Intermittent Reinforcement, two concepts which both seem to be at play here. I have done a lot of reading on these and can now really see the toxic and manipulative behaviours that he has demonstrated. I know that I need to sever the trauma bond. She says it’s an addiction on my part and has asked me to go cold-turkey NC.

I have found that not seeing him every day has been good for me... I get my balance back for at least a moment and the clarity allows me to really think about whether or not I really want him back. Seeing him every day was too hard to get that clarity.

. H and I had a very long and painful limbo under the same roof. How long have you been separated? What are you feeling about wanting him back? Separation was not what I wanted but seemed the only way to break the cycle, but he’s made it difficult with the continued stream of texts, visits etc.. I have just gone a full 4 days of NC. It was hard and by day 4 I was a mess but I got through it. He came to the house yesterday with the kids as they needed to get clothes for a trip out. I was busy upstairs so stayed upstairs but eventually went down to say hi , we had a chat for a few mins then I just went back to what I was doing. I felt in control.

I’m feeling a different set of emotions now. I’m looking at him and not recognising him as my husband. I’m asking myself if I was dating again, would I date him, would he be a “match”. I’m feeling this detachment and in some ways it’s scary. I’m scared that I might not want him back. Is it normal to feel like this? I’m scared that I’m possibly about to give up on my M. What is the difference between feeling detached and feeling like you’re done?

Is NC the right thing to do here? Because the DB book says that after he has expressed interest in reconciliation but then runs away, to back pedal but resume an interested but distant stance. The book also says that when separated, make every interaction as positive as possible, yet I am going out of my way to avoid interaction (like purposely being out when he comes to pick up the kids).