Through the World Barefooted -- Gerda's LBS Guide

[Gerda]

kml, for some reason I looked up your old posts. I had never read the early story of your sitch, and it was pretty heart breaking to see how it all began and how hopeful you were. And just so I could feel even sadder, I decided to look at my first thread, and I saw the post you had posted to me in the beginning and I just sat here at the table crying my head off because I just wonder if all those years ago, you were right. Thinking of who I was then, of all that I didn't understand about boundaries and about what was happening, all the hope I had...

Thinking of how there was no way for me to move and how in those days we owned two businesses together, etc., I don't know that I could have changed as much as I needed to change. I did ask my H to leave many times and he refused, I wish I had figured out a way to get him out earlier. I am positive God used everything that happened to me for the good and I am even hopeful about my future life, if I could just get this divorce done forever. But just now, thinking of myself back then, I just want to hug that girl with all my might, it just all seems so staggering that I am looking back at my own life and that all that happened to lead to what is happening now, a man who has completely descended into such a terrible destructive madness....

On a positive note -- my son is coming out of all the darkness, he is still troublesome in some ways but slowly getting so much better since my H left.

I think I will back off from this forum again though, because every time I post there are so many replies telling me that I am a doormat or delusional and telling me to get a divorce, etc. I hear plenty of that from the people around me. Often the replies even seem to echo what I hear from my H, that our whole marriage was always bad and I should "face reality."

Gerda- I am NOT telling you to divorce him, but I AM telling you there may be something seriously wrong with him. Why would you not want to help him if the problem is actually drug addiction or bipolar disorder or a brain tumor? Why are you so unwilling to even look at or answer questions about this? And protecting your children from the harmful effects of his abusive behavior does not mean abandoning him or the marriage, but it may mean setting boundaries that might include your H leaving the house for a while if he can't behave. Being faithful to your marriage does NOT mean you have to tolerate abuse; in fact, it may be to your husband's benefit in the long run if you stop allowing him to treat you and your son this way.

Believe it or not, your husband is actually MORE likely to return to the marriage (and return as a better man) if you DON'T put up with his bad behavior. (And I'm not suggesting you do this in a negative way by accusing him of being like his father, you can do this in a firm but loving way, having healthy boundaries, just like you would with your child.)

As for your husband saying the marriage was always bad - that's just normal MLC nonsense, don't pay a moment's attention. You did not imagine your good years. They have to make up something to justify their behavior. Still, the one thing you CAN control at the present is you, and it's a good time to work on any improvements that you know you need to make.

I also recommend a very good Al Anon book called The Courage to Change. A friend gave it to me when I was going through my marital difficulties, and even though neither my husband nor I had any alcohol problems, the book was surprisingly helpful.

God is there to support you, but God also wants you to take care of yourself and your children. He will be there to guide you, but he also wants you to do the necessary work to heal yourself. He's got your h in his hands and he will do what is necessary to heal him, but it's going to be on his time schedule and the seas may become very rough for your h along the way.

Job is so right here.

And please read carefully what people are saying to you, as you seem prone to misinterpret; my comment was that EITHER there is something seriously wrong with your H, OR he always had an abusive streak that you didn't see and that is now worse with MLC. If he truly was a wonderful spouse prior to his MLC, then I stand by my (experienced) medical opinion that there may be something beyond ordinary MLC going on with him. Does he show other signs of mania (staying up all night, impulsivity and rash decisions, grandiose ideas)? Does he have a family history of bipolar disorder, alcoholism, Huntington's disease, or any other neurodegenerative diseases? Does he drink or use drugs? Has he been put on any prescription medications that can cause behavior changes (antidepressants, Parkinson's drugs, etc?). Does he have a history of concussion or brain injury? Autoimmune disorders or hormone imbalances like thyroid disease? Exposure to toxins like heavy metals?

My ex had multiple concussions and probably a very mild lifelong form of bipolar disorder (which I myself did not recognize until it was too late). I did everything possible to save my marriage (and we reconciled for several very good years until his last MLC). He is in denial about his medical conditions and I feel badly that I was unable to help him, as I now see signs of subtle deterioration. (Thankfully he is married now to a nice young woman who I hope will care for him as he ages).

You can be a lighthouse for your husband, a beacon of hope and love and rationality, while still enforcing healthy boundaries and not allowing him to abuse you or the kids. Just as you can be an excellent loving mother while still making your children eat their vegetables and go to school.