Yes, it is both. On the first, I'm not sure I would label it fear as much as this burning desire to KNOW. I just want to know. I have always been this way. I do so much better when I have all the cards, even if the information is hurtful or difficult. I feel like the last two years of my life were all thrown in disarray with the knowledge of the A, and even though it really feels awful to rearrange things now knowing that he was having this A, I just want to put all the pieces together. I think my fear is more about letting it go on too long without that reset, and it will feel worse to get the hard information the longer it takes. Maybe that isn't true (the MC definitely challenged me on this) but that is my fear.
(In thinking about this more, I do have a fear that there are worse things that I don't know about, like if he slept with her on that last visit. Most of me feels like what he did was so bad, doesn't get much worse, it is all a matter of degree and there really isn't anything he could say that would make it appreciably worse, especially if I keep to my boundary of not hearing anything about feelings. But I've been surprised before.)
Oh man, I echo your feeling on the burning desire to know. I've had a lot of talks with H about lying being the worst thing someone can do to me, because it takes away my autonomy and ability to make informed decisions for myself. We had a long discussion about when lying is innocuous or to avoid hurting someone's feelings (not about As, though). And to logical people, when your H is acting like an insane person, it's infuriating and makes no sense! And it probably never will because it was from a bananas place! That has saved me some mental energy - likening it to other concepts I think are dumb/make no sense/unsound etc.
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Originally Posted by AlisonUK
When more came out in the months afterwards, I felt very betrayed and it look me a long time to understand that actually, he hadn't told me this one or two particular details not to hide things from me, but because it was genuinely irrelevant to him. It wasn't irrelevant to me and he was able to validate that feeling.
This has come up with us. I don't feel that he has yet been able to validate my feelings, he's been more along the lines of "but it doesn't matter to me therefore it shouldn't to you." And of course, all these conversations took place more than two months ago, so I don't know what he'd say now. My guess is that he'd be more open to validating, given what happened with the Spotify playlists, so perhaps some movement there. But I just don't know because we haven't talked about it.
Something similiar happened with H and I - I was upset about him taking a girl to a new restaurant, and then taking me (before I know about this). And I was so hurt that he would take me somewhere he had taken her etc. etc. We discussed this in MC and I was crying, and the MC was helpful and did point to this as a gender difference (she is pretty progressive so was hesitant to even go there, but she did). H was like - I wanted to take you b/c they have the best (fave dish of ours) in the city! and that was all there was to it for him. It wasn't a particularly romantic place, and the MC did a good job of mitigating this difference and helping us understand and recognize each other's perspective. It can be hard to validate when you don't consider a perspective, and are out of practice with thinking about it/actively listening.
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I think my main goal is to get all the facts about the A out on the table for myself, my questions asked and answered, and then see where we are with other things, whether we want to address the SSM, the A, other communication/connection issues or needs between us, etc. It will be a big difference if he's able to listen to my questions, understand/validate why I need them answered, and answer them while respecting my boundaries around not hearing about the feelings part. If he can do that, we will have come a long ways, and I'll be able to move forward on processing that information for myself. If he isn't ready to be transparent and answer my questions, well, then we'll know we aren't there yet.
Why do you need the facts about A to work through the other stuff. Do you think that he would be more willing to open up about A if you tackled this "out of order" so to speak? Maybe create some goodwill and security for him - perhaps he is scared of how you will react with A information, and that your willingness to work through the other things hinges on how the A talks go. It'd also give him the opportunity to practice validating in a situation where he feels less pressure ? I don't want to try to mindread here!
