How did your W’s resistance to boundary-making make you feel? I think I have been tip-toeing around my boundaries because I don’t want to make him angrier at me or just straight up leave. But that clearly isn’t working. And the more I look deep inside, the more I realize I probably don’t have enough boundaries.
My first attempt at setting a boundary was a painful mistake. I set a boundary I didn't want, in an attempt to influence what she did, which are both common beginner mistakes. Boundaries protect you.
I'll skip that and share a time I set a boundary that's powerful in my mind. Context--my GF and I are outdoor and survival experts. Drop either of us into a group of 100--chances are, we're the expert.
One day we were hiking 20+ miles and I wanted to stop for 30 seconds twice an hour to check my map, and for 5-10 minutes every couple hours when we passed a stream. She complained I was being controlling because I was making "us" stop. [Anytime someone combines "controlling" and "us", be skeptical. I control "me", you control "you". "We" and "us" blur boundaries.]
I said I control me, you control you. I told her, if you go ahead I'll catch up. She said in reality I was controlling her because even if she got to the car early she couldn't get in. I tossed her the keys so she could get to the food, water, clothing, and bathing supplies if she got far ahead. Then she said I was still controlling her because the whole point was to walk with me. I said it's up to you whether you walk with me. She got really angry and began screaming how controlling I am--everything we do always has to be done my way. I repeated I control me, you control you.
I felt strong. I get to stop when I want to check my map or enjoy the scenery. It's not a group choice, it's my choice. She gets to wait or keep going. That's entirely her choice, as is whether to join me in the future!
A couple hours later, checking the map, I discovered she'd started down the wrong path! When we corrected course she acknowledged my approach was wise and had saved more time than it wasted.
Most boundaries I've been firm on were initially met with anger and later with respect or admiration.
