So an update from Monday. All and all Monday wasn't that bad I had a nice time out. I did break down a few times especially after I came home that. I spoke to my wife a little she wouldn't acknowledged the day on he'd own at all of course, that hurt. Even if we aren't together 13 years isn't a small thing not everyone has someone they have got to know for that long. Tuesday she went out again she prefers to never be here. I don't blame her I have not been to handle this new dynamic. I want to talk to her but have nothing to really say. I always was talking about us even before. The weather is so gorgeous tonight we should sit outside or maybe we should make plans for the weekend. Etc etc. Now all I come back to what we don't have anymore. Wednesday she did actually come home we cooked had a nice meal watched TV. I was in an okay headspace that night. Still ran out of things to talk about but eventually she started to talk to me normally about a subject regarding her new interest. I think I just got lucky that she didn't shut me down. But it was so nice to talk to her for real again. For her to be present and interested. It wasn't the kind of topic we would have discussed before even if I had wanted to she would have clamed up. There wasn't any love towards me in my opinion but to talk to my friend again was special. I think I'm still a long way out from understanding this. From detaching. But in that moment I thought for the first time maybe I could have this friendship if that was all I could save.
Lol oh our spouses though. Always ready to tear down any glimpse of happiness we seem to have you know. So next door I met with a very cold and stern faced wife. She is very serious and we need to talk. She wants to move out. She is not comfortable here, she doesn't feel like i can respect her space. I have not been the best at that so no surprise there.i tell her I don't want that and im not sure how she's going to manage unless she stays with someone. She says shell figure it out it's not my problem. I ask if she would want help moving, she says no I don't want to rely on you for anything anymore. And of course the biggest reason for this conversation, after all she could have just found a place behind my back, she wants the money from the accounts. She wants everything split that was joint and she'd also like the money we discussed in terms of me buying her out of the house. Mind you I have no idea if keeping the house will even be allowed when the time comes or if the lender will agree to refinance to me alone. I start explaining how that would be unwise on my part, that sounds simple but what happens when I do this now and in 6 months when I truly no longer matter and you want to file a divorce and take half of what's left too. Now I'm a piece of [censored] of course how could I even think she would be so greedy and heartless, I don't know cheating on me and up and leaving maybe, once again the rendition of I was talking to some guys online get over it, I could have done much worse. She did recently go out of her way to look up cheating online though. I saw it in a left open window. So when I called it cheating either way, this time she agreed versus telling me it wasn't really the same. Although still down playing it, " yes fine I cheated, I cybercheated, it still could have been worse and it has nothing to do with this. You know I wouldn't do that I just want wants mine." The article she clearly stated how all the different cheating was equally damaging that trying to generalize it didn't actually make it different. Maybe she didn't read it all, maybe it didn't matter, she just jumped at the ability to give it a new label that felt like less I guess. So she talks about taking part of the furniture, which is fine. Howed she'd like some money to help with things like a fridge, since she leaving me the one my parents bought us. business like that. I explain for awhile longer that I'm not sure how I feel about this. That it isn't just about us splitting like it was 3 years ago, were married and with come all kinds of ramifications. You could come after more money, the house, fail and default on bills or rent and hurt both of credits. It's a lot to ask without any paperwork and I deserve to protect myself also. Again I'm being negative, acting like she can't handle life with out me, being overbearing, trying to control her by holding this stuff over head. I understand what she's saying but that's not the intention. I at least want time to think about process it, maybe consult a legal professional. I don't say that last part out loud. She's pissed of course and storms off.
I went to my room and spoke to an work friend who had a similar high school sweetheart marriage like mine. They split years ago and I wanted her opinion. She thought it was fair for me to think about me in all this as well. Her and her husband didn't have any major assets so it was easy they officially divorced 3 years after seperation amicably and split the cost by then they were friends. Not close ones but still spoke semi regularly. She said when he left they just split the assets and that was that. My situation is more complicated with the house of course though. I though about more and slept on it. In the morning at work I went through all the accounts and split them the way we had discussed for years. There are 2 joint accounts, and a bills account which had a surplus for the money we had been saving for silly [censored], vacations, spur of moments outing, gifts, car maintinece etc. And then we have individual saving and spending accounts. I sent her the money and told her that was everything accept for the house. She could live with me if she wanted but I was paying anything for the house until it was it on paper. Her voice to leave is on her and I think it's fair to at least protect myself on our 1 real asset that I can't really know I will get to keep. she thanked me. When I came home she finished loading her car and took off back to Vegas for the holiday.
Im sure lots of you will say I made the wrong decision but overall I think it was right. It was her money. I hope we can end this without a fight. I still want my wife back but I don't see that happening any time soon. While the conversation was nice this week, some of the things we discussed really cemented some my wife's thinking right now. I pretty firmly believe she won't see me as a partner again until she fully works through this time in her life. And for me as a spouse it will get much worse. She's going to do things that will change us both forever. I'm really doing my best to accept right now. I have not texted or called since I transferred the money. We spoke for only a moment before she left mostly just bye have a safe trip. She texted to tell me she made it there. I said okay. She texted again to tell me her phone bill was due and asked for the password. I always paid all the bills before. I gave it to her. She there with our God son, last week she took our little brother and sister to the beach. She never sends me pictures or anything. Even though I've been voicing over and over again that I really hate that I'm goong to lose them too. It would be nice if I could see them happy and hear about the day while I still can since I'm not allowed to go. Every interaction in the last month that wasn't related to something she wanted like moving the bedroom, moving out, the money is started by me. So I haven't texted or called since I told her I moved the money and explained the house. It's hard I just want to call and her voice and her my God son's voice and hear about what there doing. I went out last night and that helped distract me for awhile.
Getting a life is hard I'm reaching out to people I used to know but conversation is not my strong suit and it's not like we can do anything together either. Basically the only way to get out of the house is to walk around a park or wander in a store. Been trying to read more again it's been hard though I get distracted by my thoughts easily. Work is helpful in some ways but also full of anxiety. I don't feel like Im doing 100% and that's bothersome especially with the state our economy is in. A major cut to education looks likely here and I've only had this job a year so my chances are not good in a lay off situation. My last therapy session I brought up how I always believed it was scam and I didn't know how it was supposed to work. He told me that was something I needed to decide but first I need to decide what exactly I want out of it. So I'm trying to think about that about what I want from those sessions. that's it basically another long few days in my life. 2 months since it all went up in flames is on Monday. Crazy all quickly a life together can just unravel completely.
