Trying to be hopeful...

[Sage4]

Hi May, thanks for sharing! I appreciate your voice and your wisdom.

Steve85 also alerted me to the possibility of a PA. I thought there was no way it was a PA. I was totally wrong. I was glad I was prepared for it and recommend you do the same.

I have been suspicious of it being a PA since the very beginning. To be honest, this might sound awful, but at this point the EA has hurt me so much that the discovery of a PA would just be adding a very minor detail to the story. They are physically separated and as we are in lockdown, I know it is not physical at the moment.

My H also did the whole rewriting of history, I was this control freak who had completely dictated every aspect of our entire adult lives. BS. For me, stopping caring that he thought that and being firm in knowing what I knew to be true helped.

How did you get to the point of not caring? I have been working on acknowledging my role in the demise of our current M, so I am trying to be open to his truths. But I also want to protect mine. I feel supported by the family and friends who know our sitch, they saw the same truths as I did. But I also don't want to overlook some arenas where I could improve.

I think Allison did a fantastic job of giving me permission to not tell him all the details about the kids. I feel solid on that and am grateful for your and her advice on this front.

Detaching from H is the hardest thing I have ever done. And in a previous life (ie a year ago), I was really good at detaching people's projections or issues from my own. My first response if a friend snapped at me was to think that she must be having a tough day, and I would respond and forgive accordingly. This situation has thrown me into territory where I don't even feel I know who I am anymore. Where is the Sage who could so easily lovingly detach?

My H also told me I was no longer in control, that I wasn't in the driver's seat on this. True. But I was able to set certain boundaries that I stuck to (even though slightly different than those of others)-- basically that if we split up we would not be friends, and that I refused to work on our R with a third party in the mix. She had to go. He really struggled with this, wanted this fantasy D where we'd stay best friends and he'd live next door with AP. I was really clear and consistent that that would never, ever happen.

You're right, it is true, I am no longer in control. But I think my lack of boundaries has made me feel helpless. But I am working on my boundaries and more importantly, how to communicate them.

I am trying to be kind, but detached. I have had periods of time in our R where he felt I was cold and unattached, there was some unhealthy pursuer-distancer dynamics. So I can't go too cold or removed or it validates his claims against me. So I am trying to be nice without trying to 'nice him back' (which also is a turn off to him right now). The 'nice' dance is all happening on a super fine razor's edge, so I struggle to keep my balance here.