a new normal

[Oceangl]

You have such great comments here that are really useful to me as well.

I don't know if this helps, but something my coach said to me has come up in my thoughts a lot. She said our ego is like a thermostat. It is set at a certain "temperature." Think about your thermostat in your house: when it gets too cold, it warms up to bring it down. When it gets too warm, it kicks in to bring it up.

Likewise, we are used to being at a certain level. When we venture out of our comfort zone, our ego wigs out a bit and wants to bring us to normal, even if normal is not healthy or productive. As a personal example relating to your situation, as crazy as it sounds, when we would do better, my subconscious would actually begin to operate out of fear, even though doing better was supposed to be what I wanted! It was still out of my comfort zone. I was scared to to trust enough that things could be better because I was so afraid I would be hurt again if i allowed that. So i would pick a fight, or bring up the A. I had to work to be okay with being uncomfortable, and to create a new comfort zone. Sometimes I think this is why DBing can be so hard...it goes against our instincts and normal behavior we have a habit of doing.

What seems to help me the most, is that when I feel that discomfort, that panic, that trigger, I go off by myself, usually in the bathroom or my room, or for a drive alone if possible. If we are out, I excuse myself to the bathroom. I sit with the feeling for a bit. I ask myself what is going on? What is my need here? Do I really need something from him or am I just frightened? Can I soothe myself? With a lot of work, nine times out of ten I can soothe myself. I can remind myself of my goals and that I will be okay no matter what. Sometimes i call my sister and have her remind me I will be okay. I have noticed my comfort temperature zone has changed about two degrees. It's not where I want it yet, but it's moving.

When there is a huge fallout like what you experience, I am better at pinpointing what happened. The huge plus I see in your story is that your H is interested in repair. That is a really positive thing!

I often wish we were able to have a text group so when we get that 911 feeling we have someone who can talk us through it and help us learn to practice soothing ourselves. I realize now I have been so reliant on him and our progress to make me feel better. I've got to learn how to feel better on my own. I don't know if any of this made sense at all!