This is Oceangrl! I'm here!

[Pommy99]

OG, how did therapy go at the weekend? Did you get to say your piece, lay out your boundaries and consequences? Hope all is ok.

[Oceangl]

OG, how did therapy go at the weekend? Did you get to say your piece, lay out your boundaries and consequences? Hope all is ok.

Hey Pommy --

The beginning of therapy was so rough because I knew what i was going to say and seriously on the verge of a panic attack. My point to the therapist was that I'm not ready for another horrible thing. I've been through so many.

Our therapist is so great. He helped me breathe and walked me through the moment. Anyway, I said what I wanted: that I felt like he was making sure not connection happened and that I didn't want to live with emotional neglect. I'm summarizing here, but the therapist talked with my H for a bit. H brought up two old, old, pathetic complaints. One is that I only want him around for help, and the other that I still bring up the A.

Well, first of all I can't solve that one for him. I clean the house, cook, take care of their schooling right now, etc etc. This first complaint is a hold out from years ago. Which I have worked to heal. If he doesn't want to accept that, I don't know what else to do.

Second, I never bring up the affair. Never, except one time: to check on a boundary we made together. He was on a phone conference and said what I thought was her name, as in "Thanks for your help, ____." So this was our conversation (background -- the boundary is that they are not on the phone alone, only conference calls):
Me, with no emotion and not attacking: Are you making calls alone with her?
H: No, that was *different name.*
Me, realizing he is correct: Okay, thanks.

No more is said.

So I made the point in therapy that if he chooses to work with her in any capacity, then he will have to deal with boundaries and my rare checking in. He said it was fine, he wasn't really bothered by it and acknowledges I never bring it up. Me: ??????

He talked about how I don't give him physical affection when he requested it three weeks ago. I explained that I gave with no reception for two weeks and couldn't deal with the rejection anymore.

At the end of the hour the plan was for us to just say what we think more often.To be better at communication and to give physical affection (not sex). The therapist straight out told him that if he didn't want to do therapy anymore, if he wanted to just move toward divorce to tell him. H didn't.

Afterward, we talked for a good 45 mins about communication. We had a good conversation about the A aftermath, as far as how I feel right now. He said he avoids saying her name on conference calls so he never upsets me. I told him I don't need that. I told him he is doing these extra measures to "protect" me without ever asking me what I actually need. I said I dont care about her. I don't compare myself to her. She means nothing to me. And if you avoid saying her name in a mtg it makes me look weak like I can't handle it and I'm not weak.

He has been a little more affectionate. We have gotten along fine. Still no huge moves or whatever. I guess i am just turning it all over in my heart. I know like Steve85 said I deserve better than what is happening right now. I know a lot of his rejection and behaviors are not fair and suck and I am trying to figure out what I am going to do about it.

[LH19]

OG,

I am really sorry you are going through this but I want to point out some things to you in your post.

The beginning of therapy was so rough because I knew what i was going to say and seriously on the verge of a panic attack. My point to the therapist was that I'm not ready for another horrible thing. I've been through so many.

Is therapy a safe where your are suppose to get things out both good and bad with a third party to moderate?

Our therapist is so great. He helped me breathe and walked me through the moment. Anyway, I said what I wanted: that I felt like he was making sure not connection happened and that I didn't want to live with emotional neglect.

So is this a boundary?

I'm summarizing here, but the therapist talked with my H for a bit. H brought up two old, old, pathetic complaints. One is that I only want him around for help, and the other that I still bring up the A.

Worse thing you can do to a person is invalidate their feelings.

Well, first of all I can't solve that one for him. I clean the house, cook, take care of their schooling right now, etc etc. This first complaint is a hold out from years ago. Which I have worked to heal. If he doesn't want to accept that, I don't know what else to do.

Translation: who care about your complaints, suck it up and deal with it.
As opposed to: I am sorry you felt I only wanted you around to help. That was not my intention.

Second, I never bring up the affair. Never, except one time:

Lol. See the power of the word never?

So I made the point in therapy that if he chooses to work with her in any capacity, then he will have to deal with boundaries and my rare checking in. He said it was fine, he wasn't really bothered by it and acknowledges I never bring it up. Me: ??????

What are the consequences of the boundaries?

He talked about how I don't give him physical affection when he requested it three weeks ago. I explained that I gave with no reception for two weeks and couldn't deal with the rejection anymore.

You are here to save your marriage. How about giving without expectations for a little while?

At the end of the hour the plan was for us to just say what we think more often.To be better at communication and to give physical affection (not sex). The therapist straight out told him that if he didn't want to do therapy anymore, if he wanted to just move toward divorce to tell him. H didn't.

That's a good sign.

Afterward, we talked for a good 45 mins about communication. We had a good conversation about the A aftermath, as far as how I feel right now. He said he avoids saying her name on conference calls so he never upsets me. I told him I don't need that. I told him he is doing these extra measures to "protect" me without ever asking me what I actually need. I said I dont care about her. I don't compare myself to her. She means nothing to me. And if you avoid saying her name in a mtg it makes me look weak like I can't handle it and I'm not weak.

I thought you never ever never brought up the affair?

He has been a little more affectionate. We have gotten along fine. Still no huge moves or whatever. I guess i am just turning it all over in my heart. I know like Steve85 said I deserve better than what is happening right now. I know a lot of his rejection and behaviors are not fair and suck and I am trying to figure out what I am going to do about it.

If you think this is going to change over night I think you are going to be disappointed.

[Oceangl]

LH -- I think I understand what you are trying to get at, so let me clarify a couple of things from the above:

First, when he ended the affair he wanted to continue to keep working at his job which meant he would be working w her to some degree. He asked me what I would need to allow that to happen. The phone call situation is something we agreed on together. It's a boundary I had to have in order for that situation to continue, and it was initiated and agreed on by him. I know he could email her or other women, meet them, etc, but I don't go looking for it. I would have three years ago. I am choosing to trust, knowing it could all be in vain.

Talking about it after the phone call was because he brought the subject up. He felt the need to clarify what he was talking about.

And I definitely know it won't change over night. I've been doing this for four years in August, not including the two years of the affair.

I think I was just venting here because I am trying to decide how i am moving forward. It seems to be the hardest decision of my life so far.

Yes, validation is something I continue to work on, absolutely. Our therapist encourages us to let it all out and he mediates. I am not sure if I am handling that part correctly, but it seems to have allowed us during therapy to understand where each other are coming from better. But outside of that I think it's my #1 obstacle to overcome. I think, lol.

[Oceangl]

Random thoughts --

with memorial day coming up, I am trying to decide now how I am going to handle the weekend ahead of time. I know in the past I can set myself up for failure by hoping that there will be some sort of connection. And when that doesn't happen, I can feel awful. I am working on a plan to just enjoy the day and present no matter where it goes. I'm working hard to get in the practice of filling my own holes and making my own happiness.

[Sage4]

I am new here, but have read your thread and just wanted to say that limbo is so hard and I admire your strength to endure as long as you have. I ended up giving H an ultimatum shortly after the lockdown started: either work on the MR, or we need to separate. I couldn't handle the coldness, the meanness and the indecision. I felt like I owed it to my D's for them not to witness that. I probably pushed him away, but I am not sure he would have ultimately made a different decision anyway.

And with regards to Memorial Day weekend, I feel you completely. It used to be a special weekend for us as a family with a tradition to travel to another state, but now that's not happening. Because of Covid, but I am not sure it would have even if Covid wasn't here. So hard.

I hope you find a moment in this upcoming weekend that makes you happy for just you! I am going to be working on that as well.

[Pommy99]

Hey OG, been wondering about you and how you are? Hope all ok x