No changes on WAW - Pack_19 Part II

[Pack_19]

hi all!

Hope the quarantine is slowly coming back to normal at your houses. Yesterday we had to file the application for the nursery for S1 in 20/21. I had it on draft with all our information and I needed a number on the ID of W so as asked her. After talking about it she took over and she did the application, then she said she did not need my information and I called again to ask for her to add me as the father in the form.

The form asked for the members of the family unit and she started telling me that I dont live with them, that she has already filed her tax return as separated and other sort of BS. I reaffirmed the fact that the agreement we have is now cancelled and that I will be involved in the life of my son. She was as always furious, disrespectful and she hanged up on me a couple of times. After she called the nursery she was told I was supposed to be there even if we are separated and she called me again.

On the second conversation she told me I had decided to either reconcile or make it war, I corrected her and said I have the feeling she is pushing me away from my children and gave her a couple of examples of times where she pushed me to stay away from things because according to her I was living in Germany and it was none of my business.

She was talking under tears and said a number of hurtful things, to finally say that I am immature and hang up violently again.

I felt what I did and say are the things a strong father with clear ideas would but as always I am not proud of this interaction. I do not understand if she feels I have to pay for my mistakes or she really believes I am a man she would never want to be with but nothing I say or do seems to even soften our relationship.

Later yesterday I went to pick up the children, I was smiling but kept my distance. All was very cold and quick, I got the kids, they said goodbye and we left. I was thinking two things during that time. Firstly the man and father I want to be. Secondly all the things Sandi is trying so hard to teach me. Maybe I did hurt her so much nothing I can change or do now will make her see there is value and happiness in our family. Lately I have been really feeling like giving up, I also deserve someone who can value me, not someone who takes every chance to remind me that she does not miss me and she does not like anything about me.

Last time I tried to explain to W all the problems I have had in the past with money and how it turned me into a sad and miserable person and I can see how we both were unhappy she just dismissed it telling me it was a excuse. She also told me is normal for me to miss her because she was fully given to me while I was never thus she cannot miss me and she claimed some friends have told her they always thought I was a bit weird.

I try to let those things slip away but I am still amazed how she has managed to remain focus on the bad things, my defects, the atmosphere we had at home where we both were unhappy and my lack of communication skills. I have no value for this woman.

If I try to stand my ground as a father, she slaps me back. If I try to deny the hurtful things she has done and said, she reinforces them and if I start to distance myself she finds actions to show me how out of her life I am and how much she is over me. I genuinely thought during covid and after 8 months she would realise what matters in life and soften, I obviously need to control better my expectations and tune them down to none.

On the GAL side of things I had a great chat with a good friend who is a marathon runner about some pains on my knee while jogging daily. He has recommended me some great shoes and I ordered them last week. I also had a great conversation with my best friend yesterday and he was very encouraging. He said, Paco I could see you improving and you interact with W and go back massive steps. Forget W, she does not want the R you want now, keep working on a better you, I was proud of your changes. It's fantastic when someone acknowledges your changes, I was feeling indeed like taking massive steps back.

Thank you all and virtual hugs as always!