I understand why you want to ask your H questions about his affair. I can also understand why he might not want to, or be fearful about it.
But putting that to one side for a second, for the survival of your marriage, it is probably more important that he starts to ask himself questions about why he had the affair. And given that he still blames you for it, it sounds like he really really doesn't want to do that.
I wonder if your H is using up his energy thinking about your questions, and delaying them, as a way of keeping the focus on you and what you want. Do you think this dynamic protects him from the more important and necessary work of looking hard at himself? He can have this silent dispute with you, and string it out as long as he wants, and that's where the focus is - May wants to know and I don't want to tell her or I want to be in control of when I tell her - rather than 'I wonder why I did this terrible thing to a woman I am now claiming to want to commit to again? What is it about me that made me choose to respond to the pain in our marriage in that way? How can I make sure I don't respond in that way again?'
I am just trying to imagine what is keeping him so motivated in refusing you something entirely normal.
