I just had a really negative encounter with H and I’m trying not to cry in front of the kids...
We had a conversation about something sad one of the children said about our current situation and H accused me of lying, then got angry with me when I said that I needed to put this conversation on hold for the time being so we could both be calm. He made a mean comment about how passive aggressive I am and stormed off for the night.
For those of you who had WAS’s return at some point, were they ever really contemptuous or mean to you about the things you said or boundaries you put up?
YES.
You can read over my old threads, Sage, and see that contempt and verbal abuse and out and out meanness is something that I've had to deal with a lot from my H. He actually has improved in his area a lot and generally - almost always - speaks to me with respect now. We disagree still - neither of us are push overs and that is healthy - nobody, I don't think, is feeling controlled - but the dynamic is different. I used to measure how 'well' I was doing by how H was behaving - doing things I wanted him to do, and showing affection towards me the way I wanted to receive it. I don't feel that so much now.
We are in piecing rather than separated, so my advice might be no good, but what happens in our house now when my H has lapses and speaks to me with disrespect is that I pull him up on it, sharply and swiftly, every single time. I have a confidence in what I am responsible for (my feelings thoughts and actions) and what he is responsible for (his feelings thoughts and actions) and when he tries to put responsibility onto me - blaming me for the way he spoke to the kids when he was tired and in a bad mood, because I should have done x or y so he wouldn't be tired in the first place - I am extremely blunt with him. I used to placate him. That never happens now.
Phrases spoken by me over the last few months include,
'No, I'm not lazy. I just don't want to do what you want me to do and you don't like it. You don't have to like it and at some other time we can talk about that, but you don't speak to me that way now or ever. The conversation is over.'
'No, I am not responsible for you slamming the door and shouting at the kids. I don't control your behaviour or actions and whether you accept that or not, both of those things are in your control.'
'I don't agree with your approach here. I will be silent on it in front of the children and I won't undermine you as their father. But I will not verbally agree with you and support you when I think your actions are unwise.'
He really, really, really doesn't like it. And he also accepts it. And I am perfectly okay with him not liking it.
H did actually accuse me of lying about something one of the kids said about him. I wish I hadn't reported it to him - it wasn't necessary and it was inserting myself in a relationship that had no need of me at that point. I wouldn't do that now. But when he did say I was lying, I said, 'Whether you believe it or not, it happened,' and left it there. Defending yourself from someone who is motivated not to believe you because they don't like the way the truth makes them feel is a waste of time.
