-Validate his emotions (with an emphasis on naming his feelings, helping him identify why he is feeling the way he does etc) -Detach (lovingly, basically not taking his insults or actions personally and really trying to understand that his struggles are circumstantial due to his age and the current situation) -Set boundaries (which it sounds like you are doing a good job of!)
Sage
Sage - this is such good advice. Really really good. It helps to be reminded about the basics of handling yourself in relationships, and that these basics apply to all relationships - not just my marital one. Thank you very much!
Originally Posted by May22
Anyway, again without having an experience with a teenager-- what would it look like to totally and completely validate him, be 110% on his side? When he complains about something legit, really side with him, I know that is SO TERRIBLE I feel like that too, let's just leave all our work right now and go get some ice cream. Or something along those lines. I'm sure, just like all of us, he acts like a jerk, then gets embarrassed he acted like a jerk, which then causes him to withdraw more and it is just a deadly circle. Anything you can do to help him break out of it even if it means dropping the ball on homework or whatever one night.
Thanks for this reminder May. I am going to try it. I don't think I've been very good at validating the emotion behind the hostile behaviour. I'm really really bad at dealing with other people's anger without getting upset or defensive, and Eldest does have plenty to be angry about right now. I see that when he does't feel validated he really really blows up (he feels like it is worse for him than anyone else, and when I've tried to point out that all the kids in his year are going through the same thing, he gets very angry with me - I guess as he is feeling corrected and invalidated).
It's very hard - almost impossible - to do this on any of his feelings towards his father. I privately feel that H is not very good at all at connecting with Eldest - he wants to teach or correct or improve him, but there is very little in the way of acceptance going on. H has expressed to me that he feels unappreciated and unloved by Eldest and I can validate that - Eldest is distant or sometimes hostile a lot of the time, and does rebuff many of H's attempts to spend time together. Though there have been improvements there - there really have - this is still a fragile relationship. And when Eldest is angry because he feels rejected by his father (who has a much warmer and easier relationship with Youngest) if I validate that and H catches me doing it, he gets very upset with me and angry himself. It has helped me taking myself out of the eye of the storm of their disputes - I won't be involved in peacemaking or repair work between them any more - but only a couple of days ago Eldest was talking to me about how his father didn't like being around him. I said some version of 'I can see you're really angry and hurt about that and it must be horrible,' and H overheard and was really annoyed at me about it. I can see both their points of view very well and it is a sad situation and they are both as bad (or unskilled) as each other, and I am concentrating on not making it worse, having accepted I can't repair it for them.
I have made a GP's appointment for Eldest and also spoken again to his House Head today - he's going to reach out to Eldest personally and see how he is doing this afternoon. Eldest did have some IC some time ago, but refused to go to the appointments and is refusing to see anyone else, though I will also offer that again if the time seems right.
