Perils of piecing - thread 8

[may22]

Hi Alison,

That sounds so difficult. I don't have any good advice but like Sage's notes above... which are all things you are quite skilled at.

I don't think it is a bad idea to talk to the GP, and maybe get him a session or two with an IC if he'll do it. I remember reading a book when my children were toddlers about how to defuse tantrums, which basically was getting down on their level and matching their emotions/tone with a validating statement. (For instance, child is freaking out about not getting X, you say, you are SO MAD you don't have X! I understand! down on your knees looking them in the face.) I know it sounds silly and I never really followed the advice, but now that my oldest is in the tween years and having some difficulties regulating emotion I've been thinking about that book and trying it a little. Basically validation but using other cues to really show you get it and are on their side, and it has really seemed to defuse the situation.

I also recall reading in one of these R books (maybe MWD, can't remember) with a vignette where the H was always complaining about his boss, and the W was always trying to be logical and help the H see the boss's side. The H would get angry and they'd fight. The next time it happened the W 180ed but went all out-- said OMG, your boss is such a jerk, how could he even think or say that? raised her voice, became totally indignant on the H's behalf. It completely defused the situation and the H ended up saying on his own it wasn't that big of a deal with the boss. He just needed to know his W was on his side.

Anyway, again without having an experience with a teenager-- what would it look like to totally and completely validate him, be 110% on his side? When he complains about something legit, really side with him, I know that is SO TERRIBLE I feel like that too, let's just leave all our work right now and go get some ice cream. Or something along those lines. I'm sure, just like all of us, he acts like a jerk, then gets embarrassed he acted like a jerk, which then causes him to withdraw more and it is just a deadly circle. Anything you can do to help him break out of it even if it means dropping the ball on homework or whatever one night.

Finally... as they say, put the oxygen mask on yourself first... be sure to try (as much as you can) to carve out the time and space you need for your own peace and sanity. You won't have any to give to your kids if you don't have it for yourself.

Hang in there! I'm glad things are going well between you and your H. He has come a long way!