Just doing some journaling. I'm re-reading NMMNG and going through some exercises, and I came across a section in the book around attachments to certain outcomes. I wanted just to use this space to work out some of my thinking on the subject.
When I think about my M, I was very attached to the mere outcome of being a successful, happy, loving couple. Or to put it another way, the validation that it gave me. I love(d) my WAW very much, but it was also fulfilling an external need for me - other people would see me with a cute wife who loves me and think "Wow, he's got it going on." That was very important to me. And of course, the love of my WAW was very valuable and fulfilling to me, to such an extent that I covert-contracted, hid things, and lied due to my fear of losing that validation and love. Marriage is the ultimate validation, right? Out of everyone in the world, this person chose me to unconditionally love and be as close with as two humans can be.
And so without that, I feel lost. That attachment caused me to be inflexible to any kinds of change or mistakes or deviations from that course. That need (and other issues) overpowered the relationship, which caused me to feel like a failure due to the failed outcome.
And now I'm again putting my eggs into the R basket, because I feel like I'll be happier in a reconciled marriage. That might be true, but it's also true that I'm going to survive no matter what happens, I'm going to be fine no matter what happens, and that pain is sometimes a part of life and that's OK.
It's hard for me to reconcile these thoughts at times: I want very much to R, but how can I aspire to that without being emotionally attached to the outcome, and do I want to R fo the right reasons?
