Thank you for all the messages. I have been checking in from time to time, but have not really had the energy to respond properly. Despite the lock down and quarantine life has been busy (work and helping D10 with her school work). In my downtime I have let myself get lost in the void that is the internet, box-sets and mindless games on my phone and online shopping. And, admittedly I am a little too trigger happy with the 'add to cart' button. But, in summary, I am still gainfully, eating well, meditating or doing yoga when I can (about once a day), touching base with friends, and spending time with the girls cooking/doing art projects. The girls are both healthy and getting use to the remote learning aspects of life at the moment.
H is barely flying at the moment and his salary has been reduced - which means he can have the girls more. He runs the childcare schedule and he wants to have them with him ALOT. He has D10 Monday afternoon to Thursday afternoon and D13 Monday afternoon to Friday afternoon and I have them the other days. This moves a little from week to week but it is more or less a routine now. On the days he has them he brings them back for a couple of hours in the afternoon and on the days I have them, he comes over for a couple of hours to spend time with them - though he spends most of the time outside pottering in the garden or taking our dog for a walk. He doesn't really come inside much anymore other than to say hello/goodbye to the girls, or walk through the house to get to the garden (which has never seen so much attention). Our relationship is still strained so that is probably a factor in why he prefers to be outside. I guess that being in the house is uncomfortable for him as it is now very much 'my house' (in spirit if not in name), particularly as I am here more or less 24/7. He still huffs under his breath when he sees something he doesn't like (like when our dog's water bowl was empty the other day or when ever he sees I've gotten a delivery) but otherwise he keeps himself to himself. Our conversations, when we do talk tend to be about the children, or the lockdown, or the impact of the lockdown on the children. These conversations never go for more than 5 minutes and normally abruptly end because one or the other says something the other disagrees with (he reads the papers extensively, but I am certain he never gets much further down than the headlines, so many of the nuances are lost on him. Either that or he has some sort of perception bias and only takes away the things that support whatever position he wants to take. In any case, our reading of the current 'world' situation is often in conflict and rather than have an argument, one or the other, or both of us will end most conversations abruptly. For the newbies on here - this is not a good example of validating. But if validation is a one way street ('I understand ...', 'I can see why you see it that way ...') and they are not willing to look at things from another person's point of view, then eventually you WILL feel like a doormat - always willing to listen, never being heard. That doesn't mean you get into an argument. All truths are a matter of perception. I let him have his truth. I have mine.
What else - Oh, i find myself referring to him as my ex in conversations more and more these days. I don't know what this means, but I guess I am getting to a point where I don't think of him as my H anymore. And I am ok with this.
H had wanted me to take a mortgage break (so that I could put the money I saved towards paying his share of the bills) when the pandemic hit. He was trying to work out how he was going to cover his bills whilst he was on reduced salary and I guess he thought I would be willing to cover any shortfall. I refused. I got a "to be clear, under no circumstances would [he] assist [you] financially in the future" message back from him. I wrote something light and offhand in response which equated to a thumbs up emoji. Newbies - this is passive aggressive behaviour and NOT the way to win your ex back.
D13 still is not talking to me. I am OK with this. I let her be and act like nothing has changed between us. I ask her a lot of questions, I start conversations, I send her little messages. She doesn't respond. Straight out ignores me when I ask her a question but I am getting pretty good at putting that aside. As is said here often, you can't control them, you can only control you - so I keep calm and treat each day as a new opportunity to engage with her. I'm not perfect, but I am trying. In many ways her not responding means there aren't any arguments. She is like a ghost in the house and the only evidence that she's been downstairs is the plates and things left in the kitchen. She is also super nice to D10 - offering to help D10 with her homework or asking D10 if she wants to make cakes or go for walks. She never wanted to be aroudn D10, but right now, it's like D10 is her lifeline when her dad's not here. I am happy for D10. She always looked up to her sister and is enjoying that D13 wants to spend time with her. I am also happy D13 has the dad she has. He hasn't always been the dad he is today - he was happy to defer most if not all parental responsibility to me, he could be selfish and he was quick to anger - so the one good thing that has come out of this is he has worked hard to build relationships with the girls, and they are the better for it.
The house sale is still on the cards but on hold. Ditto sessions with the mediator / drafting the separation agreement. H did send an email to the mediator saying that now that things are opening up again, he would like to know if we can schedule a session for mid June. I am guessing that he wants to push forward with agreeing the childcare arrangement as he feels if I agree to a 50/50 split then he doesn't have to pay the bills on the house. I know that he would have deferred all the bills (his own and those relating to the house) whilst we are in lockdown and this has eased the burden whilst he is on reduced pay - but these schemes will end when lockdown ends. I suspect the short to medium term outlook for the aviation industry is not great (even though he says he will be flying a lot in July) and that he is probably concerned about his finances. I think he probably resents that the pandemic has had no impact on my financials - though I am not sure he appreciates the toll it's taking on my wellbeing (this is not a pity party post, I am well and happy, but I would be lying if I said that i don't feel lonely/bored/rudderless from time to time).
I've just re-read this post and realise it sounds a little morbid. It's not meant to - if anything, I wanted to put across a calm acceptance, which is where I think I am at these days. Content to float along knowing I would be happy with any outcome. That, I think, is the true gift having all this time alone - not just the physical alone time of the last three months, but the emotional alone time of the last 2 years.
Not much else to report other than thanks for checking in on me and that I really am OK.
