This is Oceangrl! I'm here!

[LH19]

OG,

I am really sorry you are going through this but I want to point out some things to you in your post.

The beginning of therapy was so rough because I knew what i was going to say and seriously on the verge of a panic attack. My point to the therapist was that I'm not ready for another horrible thing. I've been through so many.

Is therapy a safe where your are suppose to get things out both good and bad with a third party to moderate?

Our therapist is so great. He helped me breathe and walked me through the moment. Anyway, I said what I wanted: that I felt like he was making sure not connection happened and that I didn't want to live with emotional neglect.

So is this a boundary?

I'm summarizing here, but the therapist talked with my H for a bit. H brought up two old, old, pathetic complaints. One is that I only want him around for help, and the other that I still bring up the A.

Worse thing you can do to a person is invalidate their feelings.

Well, first of all I can't solve that one for him. I clean the house, cook, take care of their schooling right now, etc etc. This first complaint is a hold out from years ago. Which I have worked to heal. If he doesn't want to accept that, I don't know what else to do.

Translation: who care about your complaints, suck it up and deal with it.
As opposed to: I am sorry you felt I only wanted you around to help. That was not my intention.

Second, I never bring up the affair. Never, except one time:

Lol. See the power of the word never?

So I made the point in therapy that if he chooses to work with her in any capacity, then he will have to deal with boundaries and my rare checking in. He said it was fine, he wasn't really bothered by it and acknowledges I never bring it up. Me: ??????

What are the consequences of the boundaries?

He talked about how I don't give him physical affection when he requested it three weeks ago. I explained that I gave with no reception for two weeks and couldn't deal with the rejection anymore.

You are here to save your marriage. How about giving without expectations for a little while?

At the end of the hour the plan was for us to just say what we think more often.To be better at communication and to give physical affection (not sex). The therapist straight out told him that if he didn't want to do therapy anymore, if he wanted to just move toward divorce to tell him. H didn't.

That's a good sign.

Afterward, we talked for a good 45 mins about communication. We had a good conversation about the A aftermath, as far as how I feel right now. He said he avoids saying her name on conference calls so he never upsets me. I told him I don't need that. I told him he is doing these extra measures to "protect" me without ever asking me what I actually need. I said I dont care about her. I don't compare myself to her. She means nothing to me. And if you avoid saying her name in a mtg it makes me look weak like I can't handle it and I'm not weak.

I thought you never ever never brought up the affair?

He has been a little more affectionate. We have gotten along fine. Still no huge moves or whatever. I guess i am just turning it all over in my heart. I know like Steve85 said I deserve better than what is happening right now. I know a lot of his rejection and behaviors are not fair and suck and I am trying to figure out what I am going to do about it.

If you think this is going to change over night I think you are going to be disappointed.