And my marriage is the soap opera which keeps delivering more episodes... Saw H at the weekend, he was snappy and not good company. His payout is nearly sorted. Talks about his career 'ending'. Tell that to the judge in divorce court, matey.
I downloaded a dating app, quite the experience. Who knew there were so many overt narcissists out there? Or so few people who can't take a non fuzzy selfie? Or a selfie with their top on? Sigh. I have been chatting to a few men, not sure any of them are much cop but online dating is a numbers game isn't it? Keep on swiping and maybe you might chance upon a half-normal specimen. I'm taking motorbikes as a NO avoid, MLC signal
Anyway, today I had a virtual session with a woman who periodically helps me dig the house out of the mountain of crap which accumulates (she knows the sitch and has helped me navigate my way round dealing with H's stuff over the years: a shopping addict who can't abide me getting rid of stuff and thinks the house should expand to fill his needs). I was dealing with a huge pile of paperwork which H had left on a bookshelf which I had got rid of. I thought I should sift through and chuck stuff out and also do a paperwork trail for different accounts and so on (it is soooo complicated, so many different accounts and ISAs and goodness knows what). Midway through I find an envelope, inside are printouts from a porn site. Very old printouts, dated when ds1 was about 3 months old. I felt quite sick. I know many men use porn and don't have an issue with it in theory but really? Your wife has cracked nipples from breastfeeding, is struggled with the transition to motherhood and hasn't had a good night's sleep in 3 months and instead of helping to change the odd nappy you're wa*&king off to porn printouts? I had no idea. And the fact that he left his mess for me to clean up as with all the other mess he's made in his life is just so typical, that also made me quite disgusted. And what else don't I know about?
Anyway I went for a run with a friend and poured everything out to her, it was very therapeutic! I feel ok now. When he left I accused him of having a blonde somewhere and he looked kind of shocked and said he preferred brunettes. I have a wicked idea of posting him the envelope after we sort the financial mess of D out with a note saying 'I guess I was right about the blondes after all'. Talking of D, I feel pretty detached now and ready to go ahead once the payout stuff is sorted out. Still waiting for the other shoe to drop after H leaves his job but honestly I am just sick of this soap opera now. I'm not slamming the door shut but I am closing it almost completely. There might be a tiny crack there but I don't have much faith that he has the courage or capacity to work on himself enough for that to become more than a crack. So I guess he did me a favour after all leaving that porn there! I feel sick whenever I think about it, and I don't think I will be seeing him again for a while. He is picking up ds2 at the weekend and taking him back to our other house for a few days, will have to be out when he does those. At least we are allowed out now!
