My story, trial separation for now, Part 3

[SteveLW]

I'm just grappling with my head around how much longer I can do this. When we separated (June 2019), I told myself the end of the year was my limit, because I was in too much pain. I blew right past that, because I just wasn't ready. And I'm still not. But I've simply got to learn to detach.

How much longer you can do what? What's funny is that it was only when I "gave up" on my relationship that I doubled down on fixing my problems through IC, GAL, and No Contact. Giving up and moving on approximates DB'ing very well, especially for the case of someone with an OM.

I was referring to holding out hope, because during the 95% of the time when hope is motivating to me, it's the extra kick in the pants I need to slog through tough IC sessions, stay up on my reading, and take care of myself. During the other 5%, it's a kick in the balls that makes me wonder if the other 95% is worth it.

For me, I don't think that holding on to hope means that I'm devoting any less focus to IC/GAL/NC, but I can absolutely buy the argument that it's not letting me detach.

I am a big hope guy. It is is one of the big three found in I Corinthians 13: faith, hope and love.

Here is the thing, hope doesn't have to be a counter motivator to doing what you need to do. It is kind of like if a loved one suffers a debilitating illness or injury, you hope they fully recover someday. But that doesn't mean that you don't prepare for their current condition. Putting in a wheelchair ramp at the house, getting a vehicle that can transport them and their chair, etc. The whole time you still have hope that one day they'll fully heal and recover.

I've seen other people say it is impossible to detach AND still have hope. I don't agree with that. I think people confuse hope with expectations. Surely expectations are a detriment to detachment, but you can detach and still hold out hope that someday your WAS will come back to their sense. Just don't expect them to.