Jstrembr, yes a day hasn't gone by over the last 6 weeks where I haven't been incensed with myself for having dropped the ball. If I had been able to sense the true gravity of how bad things had become, how unhappy she really was, how lonely she must have felt, then perhaps we could have staved this off. I know myself to be a well-meaning and reasonable person who can be accessible. So why wasn't I as responsive as I needed to be to her concerns? I don't know. I ask myself that everyday. Maybe there are some inherent differences in the way the sexes interact, and unless if one is a natural, those who develop the good communication skills necessary to sustain a marriage have mindfully acquired them over time. So I shoulder much of the burden of my situation, but you're right, I need to remind myself that there was no justification for an EA which inevitably led to the PA. Like yourself, I believe she probably feels guilt deep down, but I truly doubt that in her current state of mind she is feeling any remorse. She sees me now as the central figure of a chapter of her life she has decided to put behind, one that had begun with hope but ended in unhappiness, one that she sees as beyond repair. Now she looks to the future feeling a guarantee of happiness with the OM, the heroic figure who rescued her from the prior chapter.
My W called me yesterday to let me know that she had talked with an atty and was optimistic that this could happen relatively soon. Our situation isn't going to be overly complicated re our assets. We have no children together. She owns the home. It wouldn't appear that I'm going to have the time to save the marriage. But as you said, I have all the time in the world to take on the future and become a happy person. My prayers that in time you can be successful in achieving a R with your W, and that the resulting relationship be happier and stronger than the one before.
Hi Bob,
I'm sorry that things are moving so quickly, but I wanted to share with you some wisdom from my journey that you might find helpful.
I definitely went through - and still do - the wringer of guilt and remorse for things. I think everyone here has. But none of us are sociopaths, none of us actively sought to damage our relationships: we did the best we could. Hindsight is always 20/20, so I'd ask you to show some compassion for yourself and realize that in the same way that WAS re-write histories to be worse than they really were, LBS often re-write histories where they're much worse partners than they really were.
I can't speak for you, but for me this is about agency. It's another way of saying "If I shoulder the blame, and we agree that I'm at fault and what I did wrong, then if I fix it, we'll be OK! She'll see!" And while doing 180s on problem behavior and earnestly committing towards self-growth are the right things to do, please make sure that you're doing so for the right reasons. Nothing is in control other than how we live on our lives.
I suspect that the pace in which she's moving towards D will slow down. Call it a hunch. I'm not a veteran on here like some, but I've read enough stories to know that when the time comes to really confront the gravity of the situation and sign on the dotted line, it's not so easy.
