My brain has very little capacity, so here's what I've got.
You have been at this for 3 months. Take a step back and remind yourself of that often.
I read a lot of threads on this forum in my early days, and the reconciled threads it took so much longer than this. I know you want to do active work. But maybe your H's work needs to be a little more silent right now. Remember, HE needs to do some work too, he can't just jump into working with you on this.
I'm not saying to let him off the hook, or ignore things. Just keep your perspective that 1) it has been 3 months. That's so incredibly short 2) Look at what he has done in 3 months to turn himself around and walk the walk. As an outsider, I am impressed 3) I think he is working on it. Trust him to work a little bit in his own way.
I know your SSM and his A are not equal and they are not the same thing. But, each of you had your own motivations that you were not conscious of. Both of you had some deep down stuff you likely didn't realize was happening. But the result was the same in that you both hurt each other. In his own way, I think your H is going to want an apology as well, along with talking about it a bit more.
I don't think now is the time for either. Little bits here and there on both sides seems to be a good route?
I'm wondering - if you were to think back to your early days with your H, how long until you fell in love with him? Like REALLY fell in love with him because you knew him inside-out and all his many gifts and flaws? I'm guessing it was longer than 3 months. So be okay with the timeline.
