Spiral, what you've done is very close to what we would recommend to maximize your chances of reconciliation--not accepting sharing her, or friendship, or subpar custody. No contact.
You're in a world of hurt, but the strength is obvious in your self-esteem to do these things. It bodes well for your chances of reconciliation 3-12 months from now if/when things fizzle out with the OM.
By then, of course, you may have already moved on. If you're even open to another try with your wife, you'd require her to do trust-building and other consistent self-work to avoid repeating the past.
