1> Husband suggested that we go visit with my parents. We have dinner Wed night with my parents, so I was surprised that he wanted to spend more time with them! I told him I was happy that he was bonding with my parents.
2> We watched West Wing together!
3> He told me about an incident that happened at his work. One of his co-workers has my name too. So, yesterday he grabbed the post-it with my phone number...walked down the hall to the co-worker with my name and asked her if he could use the phone next to her desk.
He dialed and her phone rang. He thought to himself, "Oh, what an odd coincidence."
And then she picked up.
It was my turn to drive for our carpooling...but fortunately, I had already pulled into my parents driveway by that point.
I had to stop the car because I was laughing so hysterically.
I can just imagine this poor woman. This new employee walks into her office...asks to use the phone to call her...
Oh man...I don't think I've ever let loose and laughed like that in front of my Husband.
(My parents used to say to me, "Why are you laughing? Do you see anyone else laughing? No? Then it's not funny."
My mom and I had a conversation about this recently. She said she was trying to teach the child {in this case my nephew} that it's not appropriate to laugh sometimes. Like if someone is hurt...slapstick comedy. I told her I understood her point...but that when she said the same thing to me as I child...what I actually learned was that laughter was innapropriate and that I had a horrible sense of humor. She was distressed and asked what she should say to get the lesson across. I said I didn't know...but that perhaps a longer explanation of why it wasn't appropriate would be better.)
So, I had never laughed that deep belly laugh, loud and long...tears coming from my eyes...in front of husband before.
Later that night...he told me that I had made him smile more that day than ever before. I asked him to tell me one thing that I had done right.
And he said, "Laughing at his joke." He said he loves to make me laugh.
So, I have found that there is one area in which I can show my vulnerability...if I handle it right.
The most effective way seems to be for me to come to him when I'm having a panic attack.
The most recent example. He got cable installed for our computers this past weekend.
I went to him and said, "Hon, I'm having a panic attack. I need some reassurance that with this cable modem that our marriage won't go back to the way it used to be...with you always on the computer and me feeling abandoned. I'm sure it won't be that way, but I really need to be reassured right now."
He smiled, pulled me close and gently told me, "It won't be like that."
I took a deep breath...smiled and thanked him for making me feel safe.
Drat...I should have listed this in my positives.
In any case...I think the key is in telling him that I know he's not the bad guy...that I just need reassurance...that I'm scared.
But I think to begin with, I went to him about panic attacks that I was having in regards to others...issues that had nothing to do with him. And when he reassured me, I was quick to thank him for making me feel safe.
In fact, this past weekend, I told him that I was sorry for my panic attacks. That I felt like they were a burden to him. He told me that it complicates his life. And that he likes that. (Between us girls..I think he meant, he likes being my knight)
He seems happy being intimate once every week....if that.
I've learned to not approach him. It hurts like heck when he rejects me.
So...two nights ago, I announced no more sex for a week. (Monthly cycle kicked in.)
Last night, he lay down on the bed with me, hands all over me. Asked if I really was off limits for a week.
I said I was.
He said, "I don't know why, but now I really want you. I really like going after something forbidden."
Darn it.
Is this what it takes??
I guess I need to pull a 180, pretend like I think sex is disgusting. Start buying those chaste nightgowns and stop letting my wicked sense of humor out.
