I'm pretty new to this forum, so I don't have a lot of advice, just wanted to chime in on some of your thoughts, because I felt very similar at times.
My wife has said many of the same things your wife has said, and also made some attempts to discuss problems in our marriage prior to having an affair. I certainly did take her for granted and I will own up to my mistakes. I had many days where I was just so mad at myself.
However, it does not justify her having an affair, if she was that unhappy then she should have just left, or continue to try and work with me on the marriage. The problem is she did have an affair, and deep down I believe she knows it was not the right thing to do. So then she starts with the justification, saying all the same things your wife says, we weren't right for each other, etc. Anything to justify the guilt. So I've come to the realization that I can't continue to be mad at myself, the past is the past, I'm still hopeful we could build a new future, but I have to just be happy with myself and know I'm a good person that will continue to have a good life with our without her.
My wife also started looking for a home with affair partner, after only 7 months, and that's not even 7 months of seeing him full time. She is still married to me, he is still married, we own our home together. It makes no sense at all to be looking for a new home, and yet she is. She has also said she wants a divorce, seen a lawyer, etc, but here we are, 7 months and not divorced. So my point with that is, until she actually files the paperwork, it's just words. Keep following the advice of all the pros here and at a minimum you will come out of this a happy person ready to take on the future, but you might also come out of this saving your marriage.
Jstrembr, yes a day hasn't gone by over the last 6 weeks where I haven't been incensed with myself for having dropped the ball. If I had been able to sense the true gravity of how bad things had become, how unhappy she really was, how lonely she must have felt, then perhaps we could have staved this off. I know myself to be a well-meaning and reasonable person who can be accessible. So why wasn't I as responsive as I needed to be to her concerns? I don't know. I ask myself that everyday. Maybe there are some inherent differences in the way the sexes interact, and unless if one is a natural, those who develop the good communication skills necessary to sustain a marriage have mindfully acquired them over time. So I shoulder much of the burden of my situation, but you're right, I need to remind myself that there was no justification for an EA which inevitably led to the PA. Like yourself, I believe she probably feels guilt deep down, but I truly doubt that in her current state of mind she is feeling any remorse. She sees me now as the central figure of a chapter of her life she has decided to put behind, one that had begun with hope but ended in unhappiness, one that she sees as beyond repair. Now she looks to the future feeling a guarantee of happiness with the OM, the heroic figure who rescued her from the prior chapter.
My W called me yesterday to let me know that she had talked with an atty and was optimistic that this could happen relatively soon. Our situation isn't going to be overly complicated re our assets. We have no children together. She owns the home. It wouldn't appear that I'm going to have the time to save the marriage. But as you said, I have all the time in the world to take on the future and become a happy person. My prayers that in time you can be successful in achieving a R with your W, and that the resulting relationship be happier and stronger than the one before.
