I have a few things I'd like to say in regards to hashing this out sans MC. Just food for thought really. I think before you do a deep dive with H on the A and your feelings, and the things you "need" to know, you should probably hash out with your IC what it is that you really NEED to know vs think you want to know. This is coming from a place of being a WW once upon a time. Once you know things you can't unknow them. Once it's out there there is no going back. You really need to be sure you are getting exactly what you need, and that you are prepared to hear things you don't want to with zero buffer and zero mediation. Next I'd suggest carving out time to talk about the A and the MR and that's it. You get a 2 hour block on Wednesday night and you aren't talking about it again until next Wednesday. The one thing about working this stuff out though MC is that there is a designated time and place to feel like absolute crap. And then you leave the office. And maybe there's some carry over on the drive home, but then you're home with the kids and it's time to pretend everything is fine while you both process in your heads alone. You'll need to create that same dynamic or you two will be miserable. I'd also suggest maybe looking at Esther Perel's questions to ask after an affair. There's a list of like 100 questions. Most are for the LBS, but there are a chunk for the WS. It might be good for both of you to review those and see what it is that both of you NEED to know to move forward. I think the idea of sprinkling in way to repair and move forward in the MR excluding the A stuff is going to be a good balance to this.
Next on the 100% remorseful. You are a good person. My exH was human hot garbage. So I can't really compare my time as WW to this. However, now as an LBS I hope my H isn't 100% remorseful. He needed to know how things would work out of he took a chance on OW. He got his answer. Now there isn't any more linger questions on her. If he hadn't brought a train wreck into the middle of our lives I don't know how much longer I would've just kept chugging along on my slow train to recovery from my depression. Years? And then it would've been me destroying our MR and him and myself slowly. Regardless of how this turns out for us, and regardless of there being better ways to get us here, we learned things about our selves, and about each other through this. Honestly at one point I told him I was kinda of glad this happened. It forced me to reevaluate everything in my life. It forced me to find me again. There are lessons to be learned here. You can't be remorseful for learning something about yourself. Just make sure you keep you expectations to something reasonable here. He needs to be remorseful for putting you and the kids, and anyone in your periphery effected by his crappy choices. But he doesn't need to be remorseful that he did it in it's entirety. You can't control his take away from all this any more than he can control how you feel when he say's you got what you wanted.
I know you have a game plan. I'm sure one you've been thinking about for weeks. I just want you to remember that you aren't the only one healing, or hurting. H is a jerkface for what he did,...lol, but now it isn't you two against each other any more. It's you two against the problem, try to keep that in mind going forward.
