I don't think it was backbone and I'm definitely not detached in any way. In fact, detaching is my biggest weakness. The situation simply called for immediate and decisive action.
It takes a really long time to detach. Months if not years.
Originally Posted by Spiral
The only difficulty comes in following through on the ultimatum if they chose the other person. But you simply cannot back down and preserve your dignity. That's why, I held firm.
Good job holding firm. We would have preferred a boundary over the ultimatum but you did well. I will post about boundaries below.
Originally Posted by Spiral
She apologized to me. She told me what a great husband I had been and thanked me for treating her so well. After she decided that she couldn't let go of the OM and needed to see where that led, I stopped asking her about "us" and told her not to discuss OM or "us" with me. We both know it will only hurt my feelings.
Great job setting a boundary about discussing OM. Be prepared to enforce it.
Originally Posted by Spiral
As for DB'ing, the strategy is pretty easy to implement when your spouse has started living with the OM and pulled away. I don't have anything to do other than nothing.
You have no idea how hard it is for people to implement.
Originally Posted by Spiral
And of course, I will not pick them up or drop them off at her place. So the exchanges always happen here.
Good!
Originally Posted by Spiral
She's even started texting me a bit. I responded to two texts asking how our children were doing in recent days and that's it. She also texted me that she was thinking of me and sent a heart emoji. The irony of her texting me that from his place was not lost on me. I'm sure she wanted me to text back that I was thinking of her too. I did not even bother to look at the phone for several hours. Tonight before she left with the children, she made sure my daughter gave me my phone. I had her put it on the counter, where my daughter will find it waiting when she comes home tomorrow morning.
Do not respond to anything that doesn't have to do with the kids. This is what we call temp checking. Is he still plan B?
Originally Posted by Spiral
Nevertheless, it's full stem ahead on feathering her new nest, so none of these inconsistent signs mean anything.
You are correct. It does not.
Originally Posted by Spiral
However, she was upset this morning and was having a bad day. I don't know why. I did not ask. But I am wondering, so I'll need to continue working on my detachment. I think I still have an extremely bad case of attachment.
Likely guilt. Not remorse. Know the difference
Dude you are doing great. I like your chances if you can keep it up!
Think about boundaries like this:
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.
Your wayward wife can do whatever she wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling her what to do.
But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.
She's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because she'll be outside your circle. She's free to go on and draw her own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.
She can do WHATEVER she wants. She's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices she wants.
BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.
That's all. Not about trying to control her at all. Tell her she's totally free. She has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever she wants.
If she's saying you have to let her into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HER controlling YOU.
